September!

I haven't post in awhile because I was busy doing nothing at home. No, I'm joking actually. I'm doing almost all the chores at home and I don't have spare time to work on this blog of mine Yeah, it's September and it's only few months away from Christmas. So much for a long vacation of mine, next week I'll be going back to KL. Uni life again. I'm gonna miss home again. Celebrating Christmas with new friends because recently me and my roommate couldn't get a place on the residential college. Then, we managed to find a place to stay which is a terrace house near our church neighborhood. Yeah, Thank God we actually staying with a bunch of Christian ladies. Very fortunate and finally Christmas is not about us two anymore. I mean me and my roommate. There's many things happened lately and I bet it's a new chapter of my life I guess. Yesterday, after having a small prayer activity on our old house something did happen. It's not anything serious though but it really makes me happy and wondering at the same time. So, there's a guy that I had crush on started to follow me on Instagram. Okay, I know it's not gonna sounds exciting for you but for me, yes like I want to scream. Scream on the top of my lung. Unfortunately, the timing was not right for me to scream because it was late at night and I might get scolded. I'm not gonna tell you his name but I would describe his physical roughly. He's 170 cm something, love sports especially futsal, yes he's a tanak wagu, his skin somehow almost tan color because he love outdoor activity. He had a round eyes, slight dimple on both of his cheeks, his smile somehow can kill me immediately. HAHA. Joke lang ha. Sometimes I'm having trouble to describe people that I had crush on because I rarely look at them and staring at his picture might sounds creepy. I'm hoping for something better. You know what I mean right? I admit that I'm kind of greedy when it comes to certain things but him, I just can't. Coz, I've always end up on one sided love coz I ain't pretty enough to make them choose me. Instead of crying, I choose to move on. It's better that way.

Unrequited Love Story

It's August and my holiday soon to be over. I had pretty much 2 or 3 weeks more of holiday. New semester is about to begin which I'll becoming a 3rd year senior on my 2nd semester. How time flies and I noticed that myself is growing to be more and more mature. I'm seeing all things not only on one perspective but many. I also learn how to tolerate or should I say dealing with people. At uni life, my job not only studying but also dealing with many people such as lecturer, other students and more. But, there's one thing I find it hard to manage is my financial. It's hard to resist things like sales, makeup stuff and foods. Gosh, I'm like going crazy whenever I passed by all the shop on the mall. Okay, so I did tell you guys about this particular guy that gives me warm feeling right? There's a story about him now. Couple days ago, he appeared on my dream. he told me that he finally have someone that he likes and at the same time he's having a hard time whether he wanted to choose me or the other one. Frankly, I never wanted to be a second choice.. If you really love me, choose me then. I'm done being the second option. I guess I'm not good enough for them. This unrequited love story yet fantasy kinda love is boring and unsure. How can you trust everything based on your dream? tell me. Why I always had a conversation with him only in my dream? it's sound suspicious don't you think?  so I decided to forget about it and move on. Believe me, I once find myself convincing about all the dream. I did pray. I'm not sure whether the dream are from God or it's just my wish to see him in my dreams. My mind kinda messed up right now. I hate making decision when the moment is not right. you know what I mean. I said this to my sister, ' if he's getting married with someone else, I will be so sad and crumbling on my room for days.' I'm so into him and I've never ever so into on a guy like this. There's no other guy could give me the warm feeling just the way he does it.  Why life has to be like this? I should choose to be happy right? Please, happiness come to meee. 

11 DAYS, FEELINGS & FALLING APART

So, I knew this guy from Facebook. He added me month ago. I believed he saw my Facebook account from his ex. He’s so young and dumb. Yes, dumber than I expected. He even younger than my baby brother. I never thought that i would date someone younger than my baby brother. He’s 19 ladies and gentlemen. He’s such a bad boy. Believe me, I don’t even like to him. I’d agree to date him because I just need a person who can send me some lovey dovey chats. I know I’m being cruel. I bet he’s doing the same thing as I am. I would never obey to him. I know the good and bad thing in this temporary world because I’m older. He just an immature guy. Sometimes, he didn’t even understand what I’m saying. He laughed at me and said that I’m weird. I believe he’s calling me stupid. Well, I’m glad I left him. I did make up some stupid excuses so break the relationship. I don’t feel any sparks. Never I guess. 11 days was great but 1 thing for sure, he’s still lingers on all over my social media account. Funny thing is, i can’t get him out of my mind. We broke up yesterday. Honestly, I don’t feel anything at all, at all. Nope! I guess my feeling is dead. I used to crush this guy, but now I don’t even think of him. He just an hopeless case. I did move on from him because he only existed in my dream. But in reality, we rarely met. He probably won’t remember me. We are living not far from each other neighborhood but we never bumped into each other. I guess I take that as a no from god. Perhaps, I’m not meant to be with anybody. Surprisingly it’s already august. I have 1 month left of holidays. Seriously, I just give it all to God. About money for instance. I just want to run away from everything. I’m just too tired to face anything that comes. Lord, I gave up long time ago but the journey still on and it almost end  I hope.

Second choice, random thoughts and whatever!

Honestly, I always been into this kind of situation where people always put me on their list but end up choosing someone else instead of me. Some of the jerks gave some stupid excuses by saying that they felt afraid to choose me just because I'm an Anemic. Those tiny brains just being nice and tried to make up stupid excuses. The truth is they would love to have a skinny girlfriend. Well, as thick girl living in Asian country where most of the girls are skinny, have a fair skin and intelligent would be sucks. While me, being called fat, ugly and stupid by some people. Here, in my country, people are so competitive ( on being fair). I believed each country had their own definition of beauty. In Asian country, it is a mandatory to have a fair skin, skinny and more. Why I said it's mandatory? this is because there's tons of beauty products that focus only on whitening skin. Every people in here are crazy over being fair or being skinny. I'm not saying being skinny is a bad idea but some people just can't lose weight easily. Eating healthy food could cost a fortune but no all. I know that not all people is suitable for one way of dieting. Our metabolism can be fast or slow. Our body condition is different and so do their expenses or perhaps their lifestyle or health condition. Some people are lucky to born healthy but some don't. Like me, since I was a little, I suffered an asthma. Many years after that, I was diagnose as an Anemic. My mother's family has problem with their skin condition and most of them would having a psoriasis, eczema and so on. No doubt about it, I'm also having one of those. I'm trying so hard to remove it but still having it for years. It really effecting my self esteem to be straightforwardly. I think I might having a pre-depression. This is the worst year ever where I didn't care about my studies, skipped the class for the entire semester ( some class only) and I have less friend. I can't coop up with others. I often felt left out, wanted to go back to my room and hating group work. I'm losing my motivation in studies. I hate it. I wanted to run away. Missing home so much. The worst feeling ever! I thought about suicide before but it's just stupid idea. Despite of all this, I just want someone to hold to, someone to lean on, someone to miss whenever it's rainy days, someone that will be there for you when all thing starts to fall apart, someone can make your day after having such an exhausted freaking day or when you're having mood swings, or someone who is appreciate your presence, will love you endlessly, accepting all the flaws and the imperfection. But, I know this is such an impossible case or I must say it is a hopeless case. Back to reality, I'm just an ordinary girl who loves to eat, to sleep, enjoy doing nothing during holidays, love to write or type on her blog but doesn't have a good grammar ( at least I've tried my best ), love to sing, love music, an old soul who'll never fit in this millennial era, still a virgin also loving the moonshine, having an awkward smile, weirdly nerd and being called smart but the truth is vice versa. Dumb is the clue. 

How big is your comfort zone?

Lately, I've been doing things that completely out of my comfort zone. I admit that it felt great to get out from it for a while. Everything seems new to me and it's like a roller coaster ride. I'm having acrophobia and I hate getting on a plane. Sit beside the window of the plane can be worst for me. I felt like dying at first, my hands started to sweat, my foot cold as ice, my head is spinning and I can't breathe properly. I know I shouldn't let that conquered me. I'm still learning to handle it. Sometimes I pick a seat near the window and I felt good to see the clouds that almost similar to cotton candy. It was pink and white as if I was in a cotton candy heaven. I know it's lame but that's why I felt. Maybe it is the new way to manage the phobia. Who knows right? Okay, I had a dream last night. I'm not sure whether it was good or bad but it was about my crush. Seems like he asked me to go to the gym and lose weight. Yes, I know I'm fat. But I also having a plan to do the weight lose challenge between me and my sister. There's a person who keep asking me when will I lose weight, you look great if you are skinny and blah blah blah.. I know it's important to take care of physical appearance but let me focus one thing first, study. It's been a hell semester for me now. I'm having exams and soon going back to my hometown. The price for flight ticket is soaring high because of Eid this end of the month and that counts as holiday since it is a celebration. How big is my comfort zone? this question somewhat makes me think twice. Did I really thought about it? Or I just slowly expand the zone. Making friends might influenced our comfort zone. For instance, I'm such a timid person. Public speaking is a big no no for me but the more friends I had, the more braver I've gotten. This may sounds weird to you but it really happens on me. My comfort zone keep on expanding because of my surrounding and people. I basically live in a new city for the past 3 years. I'm grateful for this kind of experience. I did changed a lot. More independent, still struggling to manage my own financial (HAHA), failed to eat clean, closer to God, still into him and many more. The transformation is not only for physically but also mentally. 

Almost~

I still remember about this incident. It was few years ago, before I entered to University. I met a guy through online. At first, I'm so excited knowing that I finally have someone to chat with because during that time me and my ex were broke up. So, basically the online guy was some kind of temporary excitement. Sounds cruel right? but I'm just trying to be honest. We started pretty well. He added me on Facebook. He send me a private message. He said " Hi there, I think I know you because we  went to the same elementary school but I was your super senior." I replied to him and said " Hi too. oh, really? I didn't remember you at all." This is because I'm just an ordinary student who tried to survive in school. It was Chinese school. I had to learn everything in Chinese language except for Bahasa Melayu & English subjects. It was hard and I had few horrible memories there and one of them I was beaten by my homeroom teacher. She uses a cane and hit on my palm for 21 times. I just couldn't remember the essay. She asked us to memorize it during morning class and the afternoon we had tuition class with the same teacher. I just can't memorize it well. It was all the Chinese character. Gosh. That kind of punishment makes me a better person ( I can memorize more lyric after that. HAHA. it has nothing to do with Chinese character) Sadly, that fierce homeroom teacher passed away couple years ago. She just too old. I bet it's time for her. Okay, back on track. that online guy being friendly to me. Suddenly, we've became so much closer than ever. There's an app that named Wechat. He's asking for my ID and added me there. Surprisingly, nearly every day we've been chat. Yes, we had good morning, good night and 3 am talk. We're being lovey-dovey. We've been go out for 3 times. He told me everything that cross on his mind. No secrets between us. The chemistry was there. The spark started to have a lot of smoke. Even if he's busy during the day, he still managed to call or send a chat. He used his office phone to call me and tell that he missed me. Everything was fine until he told me that he had a crush on other girl. After that, he rarely send a chat and ignoring me. Turned out to be he already confess his love towards that girl. How shocking that was for me. The girl was giving him hard time because that girl just broke up with her bf. I forgot to mention that the online guy also having the same situation like the girl. Basically, the 3 of us were in the same situation. I know it's sucks but we were not officially dating but he broke my heart. I'm falling into pieces. We stop sending chats when we were having quite a fight. He even went to my house just because he wanted to apologize. He used to tell me that he can't forget me. Till now, whenever he bumped into my mother somewhere he definitely will ask about me. He did love me but he loves her more. That was the only almost I ever had. I hate being the almost girl. What's the point then? he wasted my time. I even made a dessert for him and he did love it. Well, I refused to start any relationship now because I'm only end up being the almost girl again. No date, no pain. That's all.

Dear no one, here's a letter for you~

Dear future love, 

         How are you? I hope all things around you went well. How's your day today? How's school? or How's work? How's your family? Can't wait to know them. The reason I wrote this letter is I wanted to tell you that no matter how hard I am with you on the future please just bear with me. I noticed lately people tend to cheat on their partner. Well, social media has been expanding day by day. Many apps been created or made. I'm sure communication is not a problem or perhaps it is the reason people cheat on their partner. I don't know about you but I really enjoy 3 am conversation. I'm quite an introvert myself. I'm not saying that I hate small talk but honest talk would be awesome. I love coffee so much but I had migraine and need to cut off my caffeine intake per day. I'm not sure if it's true but I been reading this article about O blood type need to take control on their caffeine intake. So, I'm just doing it for the sake that I'm an O blood type. How about you? are you tea person or a coffee person? or perhaps you hate caffeinated drinks? Frankly, a relationship is not what I need for now. I just want to learn to embrace myself, build some confidence, try to eat clean and getting a good grades. I'm hoping that I can graduate on 2018. I would love to have you by my side now but I'm afraid you will walk away from me. I'm a girl with plenty of flaws. I'm not people's first choice. I'm the fat girl. I'm that last person people choose to be with. Sometimes, people refuse to be friends with me. But, never mind because quality is the only thing that matters. I really love being in small circle of people where I really know them, growing our faith together in Christ, having fellowship not only on Sunday but also on certain weekdays like Wednesday. I really enjoy being in Christian community. Somehow, that is almost like my comfort zone. How about you? how's the people on your surrounding? is it good? or vice versa? which church are you attending? How's your Sunday? the truth is I can't wait to meet you. I swear I'll be good to you, be there for you, be extremely proud to have you in my life, be the girl that you will love for the rest of your life, care for you of course! ut most importantly, love me for who I am. Again, I'm not perfect either looks or physically or mentally. HEHE. Kidding though. I'm that plain Jane. I don't have any special skills to attract people's attention. I'm not even good at talking. I'm really a shy person. I hate going on stage, do presentation or anything that makes me speak in front of crowd. But, thankfully I managed to have friends. Don't worry, I'm good being alone but it doesn't mean I didn't need you. I always need someone to be there for me. I'm might look tough but I always cry during the night before I go to sleep. This is because everything seems so hard for this semester. Right now is my 5th semester and I have 2 more to go. I really losing all the motivation to study, I hate going to class, feeling down, financial and family problems. I even thought about suicide. But, I know suicide doesn't fix anything. I always be thankful to God because of HIS love and mercy towards us the sinner. My mother sacrifice all of her just to make sure I can go to University. I can't be selfish. Right? Still, everything seems hopeless. I just want it to end faster. I wanna go home. I want to be with my family. Love, I almost tell you everything about me. Is it terrible? I bet you'll call me crazy or a girl that having a lot of issues. I can't lie to you. I don't want you end up not knowing my true self. I have so many things inside my head but I only speak what's really important. Through writing, I can throw it all in this website. My starter pack is listening to music, mood and type. Dear future love, I just wanna tell you that I will bother you a lot, madly in love with you, being whiny, being childish, being dumb, being weird, being hungry all the time and this is because I'm really comfortable with you or being with you.  You should prepare yourself too because I'm not that easy. Hope to meet you soon. Take care. Blessings!

Love,

Your future love

xoxo.

 

Thank You for Loving ME.

This week supposed to be study week for me because next week I have exams! Gosh. I'm so not ready for exam and guess what I have 8 papers. Yes, 8 papers! I have only 1 week to study all that. Can't wait to go home and meet them. Missing home since forever! Especially my little brother. While ago, I'm having dinner with my roommate. We just cooked it on rice cooker. I cook some omelet and rice. Suddenly, we talked about our ex. Frankly, I did miss that skinny guy a lot. I still care for him but ex is ex and nothing will change. While sipping my green tea, I just realized that I haven't said proper gratitude for those who loves me dearly especially my mother and the other family members. Most importantly, my savior Jesus Christ. HE loves me unconditionally. Thank You Lord. You're the best! Of course, him the ex too. We've been together for almost 4 years. He did loved me, appreciated me and cared for me. I would like to say thank you very much for the love, time and money. I probably wouldn't be here or not even strong enough to face anything in this world. I'm so grateful to have such people that loves me so much. Also, my daddy in heaven, thank you for the everything in the past. You're my hero, my king and the first man that I love. Even though you left us early but we'll always remember you till now. 18 years is a long period of time. But, I still remember the way you speak, how your coffee taste like, your shirts and many more. Silly me, I'd even saw your face on stranger that rode motorcycle during kindergarten. That shows how I still can't accept the fact that you were gone. From now on, I will learn how to appreciate people in my life whether at the good times or bad.

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?

I'm an introvert girl who's trying to be friend with many people as many as possible even though it's hard because I often felt awkward to start a conversation with a person. My mother used to scold me because I'm not friendly enough towards people. Most of my friends will say the same damn thing about my first impression to them. They would say that I'm arrogant, the quiet one, the Chinese girl who can't speak in Bahasa, and so on. Well, I'm opposite of the quiet one, the arrogant but I have to agree about having Chinese face. HAHA. I can speak in mandarin and cantonese a bit. I have different race of friends now. Thanks to Uni life, I managed to get as many friends as I can. But, not all of them are true friends. They always stay by my side when I'm happy, but by the time when I was sad, stress, sick or needed someone to there, almost all of them are disappear. I'm not going to mention their name one by one. I'm not that cruel. I'm just started to realize about it's not about quantity but quality. True friend stay with us even if there is a storm coming because they know that there will be sunshine and rainbow afterward. Certain people might think that having a friend is quite troublesome but it's worthy because they really appreciate the friendship that they have with you. My favorite quality about my best friend is honesty, understanding, kind hearted and not judgemental. I will not mention her name here due to privacy matter. I'm really happy to finally had a best friend that actually understands me, being a listener, advisor, a shield, a comic relief and many more. I can talk to her about many stuff. She had been through the similar thing as me. She had the same way of perspective on each argument or opinion. She also an energy provider. I'm glad to have her as my best friend also my roommate for almost 2 years. 

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

This question kind of similar to the previous question. Well, I probably would say that my sister is that one person in this world that knows me best and worst. She's not like other sister like everyone else had. She's insecure, lazy, timid, not feminine at all and can sing well. We're 3 years apart. We only share clothes when we were small. I always end up wearing her dress (mostly). This is because she was born second then me the middle child. Growing up, we're quite closed to each other. She went through many things then I do such as period. She did teach me how to use pad during period. Explain to me things that happens during period, what to avoid, what to wear and etc. She's like my second mother. My mother always busy with her work. As usual, she'll leave early to work then came home around 4 pm. We only met each other during the night and of course she'll sleep earlier that everyone. So, I wasn't really independent before because I used to depend on my sister. I will ask her anything that bother my mind. I still done it until now. These days, technology has been upgraded. We just chat through Whatsapp. When it comes to guy problem, she's the one that provide answer to my question. Even though, I am quite rude to her but she's slowly get used to it. I can speak politely o her. I don't know why. I'm just being me. Sometimes, I cursed more than actually speak to her. HAHA. Sorry. I know I'm rude but she did like it. If I speak politely, she immediately asked what's wrong with me. I did respect her no matter in what condition. She still my sister. Blood is thicker than water I must say. Family is everything to me. I will never put anyone else other that my family and God. Once again, my sister is the person who knows me best. That girl knows me better than anyone else in my family. 

Ex Syndrome.

I did tell you before that he's coming back right? Yes. He is coming back in my life at the time I am at my lowest point in life right now. I lose all of my motivation to study and be better this semester. I lose myself. I'm battling with the new me now. I hate being like this suddenly. Knowing that he's making his come back this month, I always be insecure. What if I accept him back? what if he did love me but refuse to accept my flaws? what if he's the one? These thoughts really bother me lately. Somehow, I find myself trying so hard to grab his attention. Why would I done something like that? I left him before. I was the one hurting. I was the one being replaced by some girl that is way better that me. Why should I want his attention? What for? I firmly say to everyone that I would never accept him back in my life. But my heart said yes. Give him another chance and grab as much attention so that he realize that I was the girl that he's been looking for. I know, it's dumb. I already throw him out of my life but now I'm trying to pick it up. Again? Gloria, he's the one who doesn't love you and accept you wholeheartedly. Why bother to pick him up again? He's just like useless junk. It will make your life miserable as the old days. I have this eerie feeling whenever I'm with him. I always felt timid when I'm with him. His friends keep mocking me by saying that I'm fat and ugly. Those evil friends of his always tried to separate us. My head really messed up during this semester. I don't want to have any attachment or commitment. I need a break. Everything happened to fast and I couldn't catch up really quick. I'm such a laid back person and hate to rush on everything. I want him but and the same time I don't want him enter my life again. I don't want him being part of my routine where I need to text him every morning or saying good night before sleep. Sigh. How I miss that but no. Wanting him back is wrong Gloria, totally wrong! You are fine without him. Being alone and independent is your goals. I always dream to have my own apartment and cat. Having steady job and my favorite car. Be strong!

Mother.

Mother is someone or a person who loves us more than anything in this word. A person that sacrifice a lot to make sure that we are growing up well. A person can do multitasking job. She can be anything that we wanted her to be. She's our teacher, our best friend, our doctor, our nurse and many more. I personally had a supermom. She plays both mother and father during me and my siblings growing up. She had to juggle between working and taking care of us. She's not perfect or she's not strong enough to handle all things at once. She's exhausted, she's crying in the middle of the night when all of us were sleeping soundly. She had no one to talk to because she act strong in front of her family. She poured everything in her small and old journal. She hid somewhere on her drawer. I saw it before and it was so sad. She lost her husband right after 10 years of their marriage. She had 5 kids. The first one still 10 years old and the younger one still 2 years old. I still remember it clearly, it happened when I was 5 years old. Sadly, I couldn't understand any of it. the funeral was held 3 days straight at our home back in Indah Jaya. That place really bring out all the memory. My little brother was born there, we bought our first car after many years of struggling and etc. Above all, she's such an amazing mother to me. She taught me how to be independent, to cook, to be a person with a good heart, she taught me that it's okay to be ordinary, it's okay to be yourself, she also taught me to be a stubborn, she taught me to never cry if a guy left me, she taught me how to be firm in every decision that I'll make, she taught me everything that I didn't know. She's my idol, my most favorite teacher, my queen, my chef and many more. I just wanted to tell you, Mummy, you are the greatest gift that God ever give me, I'm always be thankful to God because HE choose you to be my mother. I'm sorry for not being a great daughter. Someday, I'll make you proud! Happy mother's day! I love you more that anything in this world.

Love,
From your middle child.

9. Who are your closest to in your family? Why?

For me, family always come first. I have mother, 1 elder brother, 1 elder sister and 2 younger brother. So if includes me then, we are 6 people in total. I'm the middle child and always get tired by my sibling's drama. The fact that just found on the internet about middle child is quite impressive. Here it is ; Middle children are great negotiators. A study conducted by Jason Kaufman and Daniel Eckstein in 2012 on the role of birth order in personality found that since middle kids usually have to find a way out between the oldest and youngest children from early on, they turn out to be articulate in proving their point. Okay, let's focus on the question. I'm not sure but I have my own favorite person in my family. I mean my family mother and siblings , relatives are not included. I'm super closed with my mother. I basically told her everything on my mind except my grades. HAHA. She'll kill me if she know the truth about how dumb can I be. Second person that I'm really closed is my one and only sister. She really understands me. She knew how bad and good I am. She the only creature that I told literally everything. Even about my CGPA, my current crush, my bank account balance and so on. Even though she's not feminine enough but she still soft at heart. Yeah, I know she's kind of brutal and looks wild but she's totally a good person. I knew her and growing up with her is fun except the fact that I'll be the one who always do chores, cook and etc. My mother rarely cooks for us because she always busy with her work and came home late and leave too early to work every morning. But, above all, I'm close with all of my family member. No matter how hard we used to fight. Family comes first.

My kind of 10 May

Today is a public holiday. I woke up on 11 am because last night was a tiring day for me. Joining a singing competition for Dusun language is hard. Pronunciation and everything. Just too tired. So, I just laying on my bed and sit in front of my laptop all day is quite relaxing for me at least. I know my eyes is sleepy all the time because of this kind of routine. I still haven't check if any assignment need to be done this week. I just too tired of everything. I did tell you guys before that I had boyfriend. That boyfriend became my ex for almost 5 years now I guess. I'm kind of in shock when I saw his name appeared on my Instagram story line. I bet he's curious about what's going on in my life now. since he just broke up with his latest girl *evil laugh* I know I shouldn't be laughing but I can't help myself from it. Sorry. I know I'm being mean but serves his right. Past few years, I was the who ended the relationship because he's being a jerk. After that, I never looked back and choose to forget things. I'd cut my hair short and entered University. I felt so good and I'm proud to say that I'm be able do live without him. Today, I felt a bit strange. Seems like my heart says that I should give him another chance. Is it worthy? or is it because I feel lonely? I'm so confused. As much as I hate him, I never wanted to forget him. Some people might say remember bad things that he already done towards you. Yes, being with him always make me felt insecure about my body. He did love me but not the whole me. When I thought about it, I never wanted to face the same problem as the old days. He had a lot of flaws but so do I am.  I choose the accept and embrace his flaw while him keep asking me to change and become someone else. Why? I'm just so disappointed. As a young Gloria back on 2009, she just want to be beautiful she goes but he doesn't find that I' beautiful in my on way. Choices can always be made, the most importantly be wiser.

Type of guy that already been in my list before

During the whole 23 years old of living, as a girl who haven't explore many aspect in life yet but the world of relationship seems familiar to her. There will be several types of guy that I have met before or must I say I've been crush on. 

1. The Jock

Back in primary school, I knew this guy for quite some time. He's the jock for basketball. I went to Chinese primary school and yes basketball is the main sports there other than ping pong. He's good looking, tall, charming smile, popular (among everyone), speak mandarin very well ( because he doesn't even had Chinese blood at all) , he had a sister which also popular among guys, tan skin and have an impressing grades. Who doesn't wanted a guy like that? He's the most popular guy and last for couple years because he's so good at it. I mean basketball of course. Back then I was so curious and fortunately I managed to get to know him through his sister which me and her sister had same age but different class. Mine was Class A and his sister Class B. I'm just happen to be in Class A from primary 1 till 6. But I swear I wasn't the famous of the smartest student in that class. I'm still dumb and love to laugh out loud yet be thankful enough to be there. So, he's so perfect I must say. For the first time I'd talk to him, he's so friendly and open. He even remember my name and will say 'hi' every time he saw me anywhere in school. I was so fond and started to be one of his cheerleader during his games. He did appreciate it and say thank you for coming or thank you for supporting my team but the truth is I was there because of him. HAHA. As the years goes by, he suddenly open up about a girl. That girl was my friend. She and I rode the same school bus. So, he asked for help. He really wanted to know her. For the sake of my crush, I did help him. At the end, they liked each other and he went crazy for that girl. After that, I decided to move on because I bet still now he still crazy or that girl. 

2. The Mama's Boy

I met this guy after I decided to move on from the jock. I know I'm moving too fast but I met him at the church. He's the first guy I ever fond for to long. 8 or 9 years I guess. Frankly, he is my type. All of it. All the imperfection just makes me adore him more and more. He's 2 years older than me. He's the only son that his parents had. Which means he had 4 sister. My mother once said that never choose a guy that had a lot of sister because they can go against you. But, I never listen to her. My heart and mind seems get along for the first time. Again, he's tall, fair, quite good looking, popular among girls,brainy, can play music instrument and most importantly he's Christian. I'm actually having a hard time when I had a crush on him because there's a girl that capture his attention first. What I want to say is the girl is one of the closest person during that days. I was so dumb and told her about him, about my feeling to him. She end up liking that guy and be close to each other. Man, I was like been betray by her. My heart crushed and I slowly develop my hate towards her. At first, this guy doesn't know my existence but thanks to that girl, he finally knows that there's a girl named Gloria existed in that church. Honestly, we almost never talk to each other until now. He's choose to neglect my existence and even remove me from his Facebook friend list. He happened to know about my feelings from that lucky girl. She told him from A to Z and even gave my number to him. During that time, that lucky girl already ha another boyfriend and suddenly decided to "help" me by telling him about my feelings towards him. We did chat a bit through phone. I may sounded desperate but I did like him very much and decided not to be intimidate by it. But still, he never liked me back and keep on having various girls in his life. Until now, he still not over his ex and still a mama's boy. His mother keep mentioning his name whenever she saw me. Some how, I was confused and wonder what actually that she's trying to mean by it. At the end, I choose to let go. He will always be the person my heart. Strangely, I will know when he's single and available because he's appeared in my dreams. He always know that I'm single and maybe always ready to love him, Unfortunately, that's all in the past. Farewell.

3. The Coffee Lover Guy

I knew this guy before I had any crush on anyone else. His mother introduced us both. I still remember the good old days. I was a bubbly girl and he was the quiet with a friendly smile boy. He's 6 years older than me. He always away from home and I barely knew about him because of that. He's always been an independent since primary. He's a good looking guy with a smile that can makes me melt, like to travel the world, a marathoner, love's his coffee, good in cooking and baking, family oriented guy, friendly, a mature guy and he's Christian. I met him couple times during holidays such as Chinese Lunar New Year, Harvest festival and Christmas. I adore him from the moment I met him. It's the weird feeling I ever had. But choose to ignore it until that one day his mother mentioned about arranged marriage. She was so worried about her elder son still haven't settle down while his sister is way ahead him now. I never ever ever ever thought about liking him or being one of the candidate for that arranged marriage thing. You know why? because I just broke up with my ex for one month during that time. Of course his mother knew that I am single and available. I wasn't expect that I would be one of his candidate. His mother began to check out on me every time at the church. Until, I suddenly fell for him. Physically at first because I never talk to him before. After awhile, he open a cafe at my hometown which is his hometown too. This may sound cliché to you but I did talk to God about how much I wanted to know him and wish he is living near. Then, I believe God actually listen and he finally went back to our hometown and started a cafe here. He lived 3 miles from my old neighborhood. Surprisingly, we did move to a new neighborhood last December. Which somewhere near his neighborhood. I'm speechless. I just wish I can meet him everyday. I really get jealous for the people who can met him everyday. My family knew about this because his mother and my mother quite closed to each other. She always asked about how am I doing, when will I go back to Sabah and so on.  Frankly, I really want to sit with him at his coffee shop and talk about random things. I want to know how his point of view about the world, about people, about all kind of things. I was curious how he see the world. I still remember the day that I actually met him after many years of stalking him at social media. Admiring his picture on Instagram and Facebook. See the detail of his face throughout his picture. One fine Sunday, I knew he went to our church for evening service before fly back to our hometown. He stood there and smile as if he knew me so well. I felt to grateful on that day and I did smile towards him and enter the church. His sister even asked me to sit along with them. My heart pounding like crazy, my feet freakin' cold because I was nervous and don't know how to act. Thankfully, I can handle it very well on that day. He's so impressed when he knew that I'm taking Spanish language at University. Our little talk end so fast because he's rushing to go to airport. For the first time, he shakes my hand and wish me good luck for study. I swear the butterflies on my stomach went wild, my heart stops beating for a second. I still can't forget his warm hand and his sweet smile. My feelings for him grew stronger each day. He did appear in my dreams couple times. Last semester break, I was so determined. I told my brother that I wanted to go to his cafe and meet him too. Even if we live nearby, but it's hard to meet him because he was so busy and he went to other church on Sunday. The day before Valentine, finally God allowed me to go there. When we arrived, the shop was so quiet and no one there except for his worker. His worker warmly greet us and gave us the menu. I ordered a vanilla latte, nachos and chicken pie. I was a bit disappoint because he wasn't there. Few minutes later, I heard the door was open. I sat facing back from the door while my brother vise versa. He quickly approached our table and started a conversation. He thought my brother brought his girlfriend to his cafe. When he saw me, he smiles. Amazingly, he did remember me. We had a quite long conversation. He did asked me to speak Spanish for him. We laughed at the same stupid jokes, his eyes fixed towards mine. I can feel that he's standing closer to me. He such a great guy. His buff biceps and charming smile. Gosh! I really can't sleep well during the night. I was contented. I thank God for the day. Finally I can talk to him about random things on his coffee shop. I can felt the chemistry between us. We get along really fast and he so focused whenever I talk. But, now still on prayer. I just pray for the best and let God decide. 

To be continued..

Love this song!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UQzJfsT2eo&spfreload=10

Strong girl but cries a lot. Strong girl who had a good friend.

Personally, I had these idea to write during me and my roommate shared about something just now. She is a strong girl I ever known for years. She had 6 sibling including her. She had 2 brothers and 3 sisters. She was the second and she is the big sister for her sisters and brother. She lost her mother about 6 years ago. Her mother suffered a weird illness since teenage years. Her mother had a twin sister and also had the same illness. I can't shared detail because I respect her privacy. Okay, so moving on to my roommate. She's studying Anthropology. Anthropology is basically study about humans, such as culture, behavior and many more. First of all, I would like to apologize because I didn't know much about her field of study. I study language and linguistics. Completely different but still can relate a bit I guess. I can't tell you her name. Again, she didn't know that I write about her. Sorry girl! :p she always been lovely, noisy and fun. She acted strong even if she had a family problem. I knew she wanted to cry a lot whenever she shared about it. I saw her teary eyes and her body language tried so hard to avoid that teary eyes to fall. There's one time when we went to a fellowship at one place. The person asked us to draw a person's face that had been giving you a great impact in life. Happily, she drew my face. I also drew her face but ugly version of her because I can't draw well. Drawing sucks! HAHA! I'm the first person to share and I told them how we actually met and everything. Then, couple of people continuing the same thing. Until finally it's her turn. She spoke shyly and suddenly she burst into tears. Her face gone red as the beet and her eyes is wet. She tries so hard to make it stop and covers it with the small drawing paper. Yes, she cries and laugh at the same time. She so weird but I love her anyway :) she was so grateful to have me as her friend. I'm tremendously touched as if I wanted to join her crying party but I can't. Because my crush is there and keep watching like I'm a criminal. Sigh. I never had such friendship before. Best friend term used to be common in my dictionary but now I feel like I only had fewer friends and it's only temporary. I can classify her as my best friend even though we only met 2 years ago and we still counting :) She's the only person who really appreciate me as her friend and so do I. I really bad at public speaking but writing is like my weapon. I can kill you with my writing. HEHE. ( It's a joke, chill!) I'm an introvert person but so many things in mind.  I choose to write instead of speak. I choose to appreciate people who appreciate me too. The girl is strong but she cries a lot during the night. Some strong girl would hide themselves inside their favorite blanket and pour it out. Pour out the sadness, sorrow and heartbreak which they had been bottled up inside their heart and mind for a long time. Sometimes, she forgot how to fight but her friend will help her to fight her demons. A good friend which hard to find. A good friend which had the same value as an expensive and rare gem inside the mine. A good friend which is enough to make her day happy. A good friend which having the same situation as hers. A good friend which once went through heartbreak and heal by time and the love of God. A good friend which she can count on. A good friend she can lean on and can lend her shoulder for her to cry. A good friend which can keep her secret and never spill it out. A good friend which can provide a good advice and help. A good friend which pray for her.  A good friend which her only friend that she can called best friend and I called her soulmate :)

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

I really into this question and can't wait to share it with you. What decade do I feel I most belong in? I would say 80's or 90's. Frankly, I don't know why but millennials somehow didn't suit me or I find it hard to fit it. All things seems went faster than ever. The music is great but the lyric is meaningless     (or should I say trashy). For those people that really know about me, they would know that I would choose old song instead of these days songs. I really love it and I always wanted to buy a record player or turntable for my own and listen to Bee Gees, The Beatles, Diana Ross, Celine Dion, Lionel Richie or Richard Marx. While blogging and coffee-ing, I would probably sing a long. Damn. What a dream! HAHA! Well, about 80's or 90's fashion, I'm impressed how people can wear it everyday. I mean look at those dresses, pants, socks or shoes or perhaps hairdo and also makeup. A lot of effort! But these days, eyebrows and lips are so important. Everyone wanted a pair of perfect eyebrows, eyelashes or make their lips plump. So that they can look good in make up or they can finally look alike from the picture that media has been posted lately. We are tend to make things complicated and made media our role model or our source of knowledge or maybe media is the god now. People would rather trust the media. Please, media is only about people's opinion. Yes, we do need other people's opinion but not in every single thing. All human kind had their own knowledge level or personal view. It depends on how their environment, mind set, education level, nationality, age or religion. People nowadays keep posting about how good the weed are or 520 or whatever but it's only good for the people who needed it for medication purpose only. They said it's okay to be a stoner because it is part of the trend but other people doesn't think the same way as you does. Okay, I think it is a wrap.

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

Honestly, this kind of question makes me think too much. Again, the use of word 'one' makes me greedy. I mean, as I live till today, there's nothing special to be done each day. Unless if there's any special occasion to be celebrate such as holidays, birthdays and more. I did experience almost dead situation once so I think I might can imagine what is like to have one day to live. I did write any a before dead wishlist or bucket list. Don't ask me why because I really and never thought about it. Well, perhaps I can pretend to have one then. Okay, first thing that I'll do is eat all the expensive food. Second, confess to my recent crush. Yup, I know it's lame but I really wanted to do it but since maybe I'm going to die then I should confess and make him come to my funeral. HAHA. Third, wear a dress or a cloth that I never tried before. Fourth, singing with a band in front of the unknown crowd and sing old song only. Fifth, get a small tattoo. Sixth, burn all of my books because I hate when people will only put it inside the box and throw it away. Seventh, color my hair into pastel pink. I swear I'm obsessed with that color. Eighth, kill my ex. ( HAHA. relax, it was a joke!) I just wanted to slap him in the face because he was a jerk during our relationship and make him cry during my funeral. (evil laugh). Ninth, take a good picture with family and I will hug each one of them and also I will tell them how much I love them. Tenth, tell my closest friends that I love them and appreciate each of them. That's all!

6. If You Could Change One Thing About Yourself What Would It Be?

One thing? I don't think one thing is enough to satisfy myself or can make myself better. Okay, I'll try to cut down all of it and make it to one thing. But honestly, there's one thing in my mind that always bother me before I sleep. FYI, I'm that one person who always think about silly things before I go to bed and sometimes get insomnia because I think too much (hello! an overthinker here). This is way too personal to share but I think it's okay since I get better now. I wish I can be healthy like anyone else so that I can erase all the bad memories that I had. I hate being hospitalized. I hate that I need to eat medicine everyday, I hate that I feel tired all the time. My heart palpitation went crazy because it was the effect from the medicine that I took. I hate that I can play basketball like the old days. I was an athlete back then during my primary school. I used to be on a team where our couch was proud to have me as their shooter since I was tallest among my teammate. But the truth is, I'm only 158 cm. (harsh truth) Okay, I get it. I really miss the good old days. I went to training every weekend. I learn to take bus and be brave to accept the challenge where we were having basketball tournament. It was really fun, having new friends and went to other school and observed the way they played and their strategy. Sadly, we lost during the semi final but it was a wonderful experience for me and my teammate. Do sports did teach me to be more discipline and love myself even more.