Second choice, random thoughts and whatever!

Honestly, I always been into this kind of situation where people always put me on their list but end up choosing someone else instead of me. Some of the jerks gave some stupid excuses by saying that they felt afraid to choose me just because I'm an Anemic. Those tiny brains just being nice and tried to make up stupid excuses. The truth is they would love to have a skinny girlfriend. Well, as thick girl living in Asian country where most of the girls are skinny, have a fair skin and intelligent would be sucks. While me, being called fat, ugly and stupid by some people. Here, in my country, people are so competitive ( on being fair). I believed each country had their own definition of beauty. In Asian country, it is a mandatory to have a fair skin, skinny and more. Why I said it's mandatory? this is because there's tons of beauty products that focus only on whitening skin. Every people in here are crazy over being fair or being skinny. I'm not saying being skinny is a bad idea but some people just can't lose weight easily. Eating healthy food could cost a fortune but no all. I know that not all people is suitable for one way of dieting. Our metabolism can be fast or slow. Our body condition is different and so do their expenses or perhaps their lifestyle or health condition. Some people are lucky to born healthy but some don't. Like me, since I was a little, I suffered an asthma. Many years after that, I was diagnose as an Anemic. My mother's family has problem with their skin condition and most of them would having a psoriasis, eczema and so on. No doubt about it, I'm also having one of those. I'm trying so hard to remove it but still having it for years. It really effecting my self esteem to be straightforwardly. I think I might having a pre-depression. This is the worst year ever where I didn't care about my studies, skipped the class for the entire semester ( some class only) and I have less friend. I can't coop up with others. I often felt left out, wanted to go back to my room and hating group work. I'm losing my motivation in studies. I hate it. I wanted to run away. Missing home so much. The worst feeling ever! I thought about suicide before but it's just stupid idea. Despite of all this, I just want someone to hold to, someone to lean on, someone to miss whenever it's rainy days, someone that will be there for you when all thing starts to fall apart, someone can make your day after having such an exhausted freaking day or when you're having mood swings, or someone who is appreciate your presence, will love you endlessly, accepting all the flaws and the imperfection. But, I know this is such an impossible case or I must say it is a hopeless case. Back to reality, I'm just an ordinary girl who loves to eat, to sleep, enjoy doing nothing during holidays, love to write or type on her blog but doesn't have a good grammar ( at least I've tried my best ), love to sing, love music, an old soul who'll never fit in this millennial era, still a virgin also loving the moonshine, having an awkward smile, weirdly nerd and being called smart but the truth is vice versa. Dumb is the clue.