Mentally breakdown.

I thought after sending the letter, everything will be alright. But turned out to be, I can't do nothing about it. No matter how hard I'd pray about it still nothing that I can do.This semester is the worst ever and felt disappointed about myself. I never be this worst and I never such thing like escaping class, end up meeting my head department and being scolded by my lecturer. Somehow, from this moment it really thought me how to grow mature. Second year it's just a beginning to feel all the stress. Now, I understand what it's like when you are mentally breakdown and some people might end up suicide. But, for me suicide is not a proper way or it's never a way for people to think when they are having problem. Frankly, I never want to be like this. Maybe, I'm just too far from my home. I'm an independent kid since when I can remember but being away from my family it's just a bit hard. Some people might think that to further study and being away from your family is a great opportunity to be freedom and trying to live independently with stranger. For me, it's not that great. I hate being adult where all thing you need to think and you'll need to be independent. Perhaps, I'm just too young to be a person who's facing the problem alone or I'm just being hypocrite and keep running away from my problems. Wish me the best of luck. Hopefully this will end sooner than I thought.

In the middle of despair

I believe that I am a normal girl that having lot of problem to deal with, having a crush to a lot of boy and still studying. The first time I know love was with my ex. He's a great lover but I'm just a girl that having a lot of weakness. We ended it up 2 years ago before I enter university. After that, I just never be in any relationship. I'd tried couple of time to get into a relationship but I always been rejected. Somehow, it makes me so sad, I'm just being honest though. How I wish I don't have desire  for having a relationship but it is normal to have that desire. Last month, I sent one short private message to this guy. I only wrote " Hi, how are you?".  I actually don't have any intention but he just remove me from his facebook account. I was a bit shocked. I can sum that up as he is freaking hate me. He reject me harshly. Btw, thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I hate to admit that he was my first love. I declare him as a stranger now. It was so unexpected. Life is more that you ever imagine. Sometimes, it is beyond anything but with God our life is more meaningful. Maybe, I am going to be alone for the rest of my life without a life partner. I know it is not necessary to have someone by your side but I really wanted to have it. Life can be so unfair and empty. I hate living on this world. It's full of demanding people. I guess I need to focus on myself. So, today I'm decided to not searching my soulmate. The end

Help me.. I'm drowing

It's been a month I'm becoming a second year student here. My habits is getting worst. I always skip the class and give an excuse that I'm sick. I do't know why I keep doing this thing. Am I giving up my studies? Or I'm losing a motivation to study? The truth is, I'm losing my motivation to study here.When you are always far from your family, you are always on your own and money always be the main stress for me. I wish I can get a motivation from someone and I don't care who he or she is. As long as they can motivate me everyday. Study is not an easy task for me. I really turned to a lazy pig this semester. I can't even woke up on 8 o'clock classes. I always skip and skip and skip. I keep running from the reality and I did realize it was bad for me. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I was hoping that I will redeem all the class that I skipped. October is a new month and I promise that I will make up on it. Going to class everyday and never skip class again. It's a bad thing and it will only harm my reputation as a student. Back on track Gloria! You can do it! Yes you can!

Please?

I'm a girl who dislike to drink milk but now end up drinking milk for almost every night, I used to be a girl who so picky when she wants to eat but now she can barely eats all kinds of food. The more I grew up, the more I understand the whole thing. I'm now officially 21 years old and I found out that life is so hard. I used to want time go as fast as it can be but now how I wish I can turned back time and meet the ones that I loved, my father and my grandparents. I think I already met a lot of people. Some of them stay, some of them go and there's also some of them remain stranger. In life, I also learned that by forgetting people is the hardest thing. Especially a person who used to be with you, mean a world to you and more. There's one person that I liked the most. We were never be together because he's not into me. Last night was a miracle. All of the sudden, I dream about him. Before hand, I've already decided to forget about him and move on. I even already like a guy from the same university as me. I thought all will be okay but the way of his expression on that dream makes me having a hard time to move on. Please go away. I don't have the ability to be at the same situation in every year.

Encouragement.

So, today is the first time I ever send him a private message on Facebook. I actually don't want to do it but somehow my sister encourage me to go for it. Frankly, I don't know why really into it. I mean I have a lot of encouragement to send him a private message. I used to be afraid and full of hesitation. Well, I guess life is full of surprises and you only live once. So, just grab any chance that you have. Sometimes, I can be a spontaneous person but not in education. In this 21st century, human is searching for their way to express their self by doing something nice, bad or stupid then record it whether it is a video or audio or a picture. They only need one person to make it viral. By doing that, it somehow change the world view, also by adding it on law or anything that will surprise you. People nowadays seems like hunger for fame. Thank God I'm not one of them. Back on track, I'm secretly hoping that he will reply my private message.

Second year. Year of senior.

So, I've been a senior for a week now. I only attended 1 day class because lack of rest. This upcoming weeks, I need to attend as often as I can. This semester quite challenging for me. Frankly, I hate coming on 8 o'clock classes. But, everyday is the same for me. Every classes start on 8 o'clock. Well, it's gonna be okay I guess. As long as I can get a better marks. My aim for this semester is freakin' high just because I want the scholarship. Anyway, All of the sudden, he came to me and bravely started a conversation. If only I can cast away my excitement. I was too happy until I can't describe it. Oh gosh! he's finally talking to me!! but that only makes me more and more missing him. I guess I only SS. Pity kan? Somehow, I started to be more selfish. I always wanted him to be mine. All I can say is that's only a day dream. How I wish that I'll never met him again. This feeling is a burden for me. Loving someone who has different background and religion too. It's so hard. I want my mummy  :(

Overreacting, not me but the dumb.

Okay, so today was quite good for me. I woke up early and late. Hmm. Sounds confusing right? Actually, my family and I were decided to go to market on 4 am but turned out to be my mom she's forget to withdraw her money last night. The ATM usually offline starting from 12 pm till 8 am. So, we had to cancel our plan. Then, everyone of us continued to go to bed and sleep. Lately, I always wake up so late because I'm so active during night till dawn. That basically happen during the day. There's an interesting yet scary incident during the evening. My mom and I were cleaning the house. Thank God, I was at the kitchen while my mom was at the living room. The moment she's wiping her crystal vase, she saw a white car that seems wanted to park in front of our house. The person take a sudden action by driving slowly in front of our house and keep looking it. My mom basically didn't noticed much about the incident. She's so calm and called my name. She's asking me whether there's a friend of mine that having a white car. Then, I was shocked. I don't to mention his name here but my mom already knew that it was him. I'm kind of terrified by his action. He acted like a stalker. I started to think that he's a psycho path. I did fought with him for weeks ago I guess and I didn't know that he would do like that. On the evening, there's a white car but different brand do the same thing as he was. Maybe, it was his friend. He just so dumb. He seems like ignoring my thoughts about him. I frankly said that I hate the way he treated me. I even asked him who am I to him. He's constantly say sorry to me. Honestly, I've never expect this kind of thing will happen. Hopefully, I will never ever see or talk to him anymore. I'm done hating people. So, it's better this way. He's such a loser who always take advantage over a girl that have a feelings for him. I don't want to be that kind of girl who's so dumb to trust him. I'm so over it. So long sucker! Stop stalking me! We are basically nothing. No relationship at all. Not even a friend.

Family, friends and you

Lay me down by Sam Smith

Yes, I do, I believe

 That one day I will be

 Where I was right there 

Right next to you 

 And it's hard

 The days just seem so dark 

The moon and the stars

 Are nothing without you

 Your touch, your skin 

Where do I begin? 

No words can explain

 The way I'm missing you

 Deny this emptiness 

This hole that I'm inside

 These tears

 They tell their own story 

 Told me not to cry when you were gone 

But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong

 Can I lay by your side?

 Next to you, you 

And make sure you're alright

 I'll take care of you 

I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight 

I'm reaching out to you 

Can you hear my call?

 This hurt that I've been through

 I'm missing you, missing you like crazy 

 You told me not to cry when you were gone

 But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong 

 Can I lay by your side? 

Next to you, you 

And make sure you're alright 

I'll take care of you

 I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight

 Lay me down tonight

 Lay me by your side

 Lay me down tonight

 Lay me by your side

 Can I lay by your side?

 Next to you

 You

Current feelings

Am I that selfish...

Something really brought me to write about you tonight. I don't know why but I'm definitely having this major mood to write about something lovely. So, deep down inside is really a mess. No, I'm just kidding. My actual inside is full of you. I'm not sure how to describe but I'm totally in love with you dude. Whenever I saw you, my heart stops. I feel like I'm underwater. Hardly breathe. It's not like you bring any danger to me but I'm just too nervous when you are around but excited at the same time. I can't believe that I would spend my time on midnight and write about how I really into you but you just not realize or noticed it. I probably having my teen moment where I crazy over boy who doesn't even know whether I'm existed or not. HAHA. It's funny though course I thought my teen days were already gone but turned out to be that I'm still having it with the same guy. Yeah. I'm lucky because he's not a boy but a guy. A really smart guy. In this I don't know how to describe this world with one word, I only want to be with you. Whenever there's a guy coming towards me and distracting me, I keep coming back to you. Seriously freak, I tremendously wanted to move on and live my life happily but I just can't. YOU keep popped out on my head, I mean my mind. Somehow, when I realized and It was hurting me at the same time by knowing that I can't have you as mine. Every second's like torture and I always finding way to let it go. Frankly, I would like you to be mine forever. Am I that selfish? I just don't know how to face or fix this problem or whatever it was. I'm too tired to have this kind of one sided love. I'm also wanted to be love by somebody who really appreciate me, accept me the way I am and for sure he'll respect my imperfection. You know what? even though I wanted it but I'm half way to believe it whether I'm going to have a partner for life in the future. I feel like there's no one who God's created it for me. NADA! I can't think of anyone else but you. Sometimes I'd cried. I'm willingly asked God to erase you from my mind but it didn't work. I'd question it to God several times but I can't seems get any answers yet. It is really really really really really hurt not be able to have you or watching you up close. I'm so envy with the people who be able to be with you everyday. Back in the old days, you and me seems like there's something between us or maybe it's just a dream. I feel it so good until I can't differentiate the reality and dream. That dream was too good until it blinded my eye and fooled my mind to accept the truth or the reality one. I'm just hoping that I can erase my love for you slowly and secretly.

Just So You Know

The tittle quite familiar right? I mean only for those who heard of Jesse McCartney's song. The purpose that I'm gonna tell you all about this night or midnight is I really can't keep this struggle anymore. Slowly, the struggle seems make myself especially my heart is aching all over. I just so stupid until I can't differentiate the reality and fantasy. I think that he's probably noticed me only in my dream but in reality, he seem don't care and never talk to me at all. All I can sum up is he didn't interested in me at all. I mean, look at me. I got nothing to brag about. I'm just too ordinary until he can noticed me. I'm not very pleased about it. It's been years, he keep changing his girlfriend. I thought the girl who had a similar face with him, they'll end up marrying and live happily ever after but turned out to be the broke up after 4 years of relationship. I know how is it feel and it takes time to move too. For me, I'm 90% move on. The rest still running around somewhere in my mind. This October make it becoming 2 years. I'm pretty sure that I'm a loyal lover. In my past relationship, I put all the blame on that guy. He was the one who abandoned me and I never see our future together so end up leaving him before it gone worst. Back to my topic, JUST SO YOU KNOW my dearest crush I'd already spent years to forget about you. Unfortunately, I really can't. The feeling kind of taking over me. I'm having a had time whenever I heard that there's girl that you've been with. I was so jealous. I pray to God and asked HIM, why YOU didn't give me a chance to be with him? I love him this much and it's been so long I've this feeling. I'm hurt and it's too hard to forget about you cause you are part of my life. Thinking about you everyday is my routine almost like my needs. I didn't mean to make a statement that I'm a freak that crazy about him but that is the truth. How I wish you can approach me just like the other girl that you've been mingled around. How about me? You really can't see me> Am I that invincible? Am I that ugly? Am I really out of your league? I'm the one who loved you wholehearted. Is that wrong? See? this is all such a bullshit. crying over someone that will never love you back is so painful to watch. No matter how, I will still love you crush.

Today used to be my special day.

13 of July used to be a special day for me and him. Speaking of him, he already has someone who's better than me. He also took 1 year to open his heart for other person. He's not that bad. He's that kinda guy who's willing to sacrifice for his love. He such a sweetheart, caring person, and many more. I used to ask myself after I took a decision to leave him. Am I really done the right thing? What if I can't live without him? What if that was a wrong decision? Those kind of dilemma keep popping in my head until I really learn to live without him. Somehow, it feels superb great. The first day of breaking up with him, I felt so empty. My daily routine did changed. i always wake up and then i will receive a sweet text message from him and for me it really made my day also a need for my daily routine. 4 years of relationship was like I'm already making a big commitment to be with someone I loved. But, it takes a long period to forget about the memories that we shared together. Whatever it was, I should thank him because he used to love me and makes me happy as a person. Circumstances molded my life. xoxo

Arranged Marriage?

At first, I'm not believe in this kind of thing. Arranged marriage? seriously? I don't even know it was already exist in 18 century. I know there's a lot of person dislike to be arrange marriage by their parents. My mother once being arranged by her parents which was my grandparents. But, my mother decline it and choose my father. Frankly, this arranged marriage thing is a bit difficult because you might end up being force to marry someone stranger or somebody you knew but not having a close relationship. Marriage thing is not a joke but it is a commitment for your whole life. Being with some you love and know for a long time might help up the desire to build the commitment even though they need to face many circumstances as one. While arranged marriage is you still need to know he/she at the first year of your marriage. Living with stranger is not that easy you know but after getting married with he/she, you can't no longer treat he/she as a stranger because they are already your spouse. After typing a few opinion, I just realize I am just a single young lady who was having her study week and within 10 more days will sit for her final examination for her last semester of 1st year. Funny right? The reason I'm writing (typing) about arranged marriage is because I, myself feel like I might end up being arranged marriage soon. But, I'm not very sure about it yet. I like to predict things. Sometimes, it is impossible. HAHA! Too much imagination you see. Or actually, I'm trying to escape from the reality which is the fact that I'm just too tired to find a new boyfriend and I'm too tired to have a relationship last for years but end up breaking up because he just a coward or my mother hate him more than ever. I didn't blame my mother though because she knows what is best for her daughter and sometimes she can be a bit demanding. She'll be like why you choose him? He don't even have a proper job. He's too weak for you. He's too young and you can't rely on him. What if you are sick and everything. She just too worried about me. Yes mother, I get it. Pray for the best and your daughter is not that pretty and intelligent either. She only can sing at the shower and that's her only talent. Finding a good man nowadays is impossible. I mean kind of hard. They just limited and you can't see them everywhere but if you do, they already belonged to somebody else. Somebody who definitely much better than me. Sad right? After being single for 1 year, I just realize that is very hard to find a new guy because you weren't pretty enough to compete with the rest. If I'm end up being arranged marriage later, I just accept it with wide open heart. But, firstly my mother need to identify him whether he is qualify or not. If my mother say yes then I'll do so. Like I said, she knew what best for me. So, there's a guy who might be the person that being arranged marriage. His parents and my mother were very closed. they even once said it if their son didn't find any girl, they will set him up to arrange marriage. His mother seems giving me a hint that I might be one of the candidate for his son's arrange marriage. I was so excited and happy back then but when I think back, will he like me? will he accept my imperfection? will us be a good team but above all will his siblings agree? I'm just too young. I'm even younger than his younger brother. Actually, I really want to know what happen next. I hate being stuck in this day dream. I did forget about him once but after I dream about the snake thing, my instinct told me the person is him but I still not sure and I don't want to expect anything yet. This thought is haunting me since his mother started gave me those hints. I don't want either. I know who I am and I know where I belong. I just can't erase him. It happens all the time. Lord, this is my biggest struggles. My heart and mind keep thinking about him. Whenever I started to like someone, the person seems can't do nothing but remain silent. Seems like there's nothing that they can do. I feel so confused. I want this to be over and I want to be free like a bird.

All the way to..

A passed few days, I dream about he's getting married. He seems happy and also his siblings. I didn't know why I dream about him in that situation. The engagement party is on his parent's house. He dress casually but the lady beside her wearing a white dress. The lady was chubby and I didn't know her. When he saw me, he did smile and seems like he is going towards me. The dream end like that and I end up being weird. I keep thinking about the dream. Last month, I had a dream. Dream about I was bitten by 2 snakes. Generally, if a single lady like me dream about that it means she will soon get married. But the funny part is, I don't have any boyfriend. My mother keep wondering what is happening actually. Frankly, I don't want to expect anything yet. Maybe it's just my imagination. I guess I watch too much drama and started to think how is it if the situation is happening towards me. I can't help but over thinking and feeling curious. I need to know what is happening actually. Keep wondering and didn't know what happens next. The solution is keep praying. Pray the best for him if he did found his soulmate. There's nothing I can do about it. I did like him. He's the perfect guy I ever seen in my entire life. He's smart, love his family,have a great job, believe in God, handsome, medium height, sporty, love music, can play music instrument more than 1, humble and more. Who doesn't like that kind of guy right? I guess he just like a prince while I am a common people in his country. I can't be with him because we are from the different background. Plus, I still not interested in having a relationship with anyone. I need time to figure out about myself.

Mental breakdown, I guess.

No matter how hard I do, she still didn't say a thing about me. She only like the intelligent student like the rest of my course mate. Maybe because they threat her as a friend. Once I did try to be friends with her but I always lose my chances. Sometimes, I wish I can be like the rest of my course mate. Whenever they talked in Spanish, they can immediately speak without fear. I wish I can be a person who talk without feels any fear and think without worrying too much what's gonna happen. Honestly, I am having mentally breakdown for this semester. She keep saying that I was so bad and seems like she doesn't like me at all. There's nothing special about me. She likes that kind of person who is talented and intelligent. You need to be special then she will attracted to you. How I can compete with the rest? I'm just an ordinary girl that comes from a medium family without a dad and people keep thinking I am clever but actually I'm not. Even if she didn't like me, I will try as hard as I could to get a good grades and maybe it doesn't matter whether I can be friends with her of not. I still believe that I can be better even though she keep telling that I am bad. She can be so annoying,burden,monster and so on but I'm thankful to God because HE send me her to teach me. I don't want to mention her name here. I just to say that whatever it is, I just want to pass every semester without disappointing my mother. I want to graduate on time and I just want to hold the scroll, be a better person, can find a job to help my mother, to take her to travel anywhere she want and learn different language as much as I can. God's will is more important than ours. You just can simply say about other people's future but at the end God's will can decide which way is ours destiny or our path. So what if I'm having mental breakdown now, I don't care because I know I can be better than everyone else. Who are you to judge me?

I hope you will understand it.

Maybe, I was being punished by my behavior that often judging a person. Whenever I did a small mistake, there's a group of people starting to judge me. Not only my mistake, they also will judge the whole me. Yes, sometimes I did escape a few of my class. That doesn't mean I'm planning to be a failure. If I do so, I won't be bother to enter to university. Sometimes, people didn't understand that a person will go through their ups and downs. Didn't they have it? oh yeah, I forgot. I'm not part of them. Doesn't mean I didn't care about them. If they having a problems, I will be a person who will try as much as I can to understand you condition. Now, I know how is it to taste my own medicine. So, I will be a better person that I was before. Remember, karma will always come after you. Aside of judging, you can also help the person or asking why they become like that. Is not that hard right? Unless you are heartless :/ But, sometimes I wish I can be heartless so that I can bear with all the mixed feelings. Unfortunately, we can't blame our God for creating hearts. I believe all of HIS creation are great and beautiful. We should be thankful all the time. Back to my main topic, I feel like I was being alienated by my own classmate. Never mind then, it's not like the end of the world. But at least, appreciate people that has come or go from your life. You might meet them only for awhile and goodbye's seems like forever. Above all, I just only trying to say that at least make an effort to respect other people. Even if it is very bad, they didn't even asked for it. Perhaps, after them, you are next. Learn from other people or your mistake. I believe it will help you to become a better person, more matured and more tolerance. It's not that hard to be a better person. Effort is all we need :)

Him.

I knew him for a few months from now. All I know is I kinda have a feeling for him. Honestly, I feel guilty when I'm trying to say about him. He's from the same area as I am. He's 2 years older than me. He's quite handsome and tall. He's kinda muscular because he's a jock. Frankly, he's personality hits all of my favorite guys list. I don't know much about him. Oh yeah, he also have a deep voice which is my favorite sound. HAHA! whateves! He's my favorite crush. Usually, all women have a sixth sense but there are not sure about. I believe in my sixth sense but at same time I didn't believe it and start pray for that. I hate guys that he want the girl but he just don't the courage to tell her. Is it that hard? When I asked my younger brother about it, he said if a guy easily can tell you that he likes you that's mean he's not that seriously like you. Sometimes, he just play along and you might be his rat lab. After hearing that, I seem a bit confuse with guys. What is exactly they want? They strongly said women is complicated but they are more complicated. They seem not very sure about everything. Like mom said, men only plans for tomorrow but women will plans until the future. Hmm. I wish he know my savior, Jesus. How I wish everything is not that complicated. So that I can like whoever I want. This is the first time I'm having a hard time to face this kind of struggle. Lord! It is really hard. I'm just a sinner and nothing more :(

Right person on the wrong time :)

I known this guy for almost 7 months. I had a crush with him since the day I met him. I first entered university and we had orientation week for the new students while he was one of the facilitator. 6 days after the orientation, I decided to forget about him. This early year, the spark start again. I just ignore it because for me it's really normal. Lately, he seems a bit weird. He always keep on eye on me. Even if I sat with a guy, he keep stares at the guy. I assumed that maybe he just treat me as her sister. Until, he's friends saw me then shouted his name and I'm very sure that he's not there. I was like confused with their behavior or perhaps they just act like crazy.The most craziest was, last night I dream about him. In my dream, he gave me a small bouquet of flower but it haven't bloom yet and it was colorful but when I asked who gave it he said it wasn't me. I can feel that he was lying and I don't why I feel that way. For whole my life, many boys just afraid to express their feelings towards me but with another girl they just simply say it the damn three words or perhaps I wasn't for them. I think we are not meant for each other, just meant to have feelings for each other. That's all I guess. I keep waiting for him to talk with me first. I hate to do the first move because I've a bit of arrogant and also I also have a pride. I don't to be a girl who keep chasin' a guy. That's not what my momma had teach me. Be a girl with a class, attitude and brain :)

Shame on me :(

After checking all my previous post on this blog, I burst into laugh. HAHA! can't believe how stupid I am back then. Almost about the pathetic ex. I feel so gross when I read it. Aw gosh! seriously it gross! So immature,stupid and childish. Shame on me. duh!

Thank God for everything :)

Ups and Downs ( a bit dramatic) Or perhaps a little bit pathetic as usually.

I'm pretty much satisfied with my life now. I got entered to university and study my favorite course. Also far from where I belong. The far I go, the more I can challenge my independent self. Being far not always bad and not always good. Me, as a 21 year old young lady, I have so much thing that's going on in my mind. I slowly built my goal and future from my imagination and it usually works on night. Thank God I'm not an insomnia person. I still be able to sleep because I imagined it piece by piece and step by step. That's what limitation for. I mean I can built it until it can be done and be seen but I won't be able to do it yet.Timing is the next important step. What I learned from my mom is I need to learn to be more discipline and appreciate as the time goes by. Use it wisely or else you gonna regret it. Frankly, I did let the time goes by without doing anything that can makes myself be better. Procrastinator is kinda my nickname. I used to do things on last minute. Even if examination comes, I will wasting my time watching movies. Oh dear, I know I need to stop. I was so impressed with my courage to study on my first semester. I did a lot of notes and read it several times. As my age adding, of course I will think about the teeny tiny little thing that called love. Deep down inside my heart there's a desire to be love and to love someone dearly. I did go through those things a year ago, but that 4 years of puppy love made a scars in my heart. Ruined my expectation towards the opposite sex. I always dream of someone who can love me for who I am. Just like John Legend's song said, "Cause all of me, loves all of you,love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you." Maybe I just expecting too much. It's not like I can't do myself to be more better but after living quite awhile watching all the thing that happen, there's always a right person that loves you for who you are. Is not that hard right? perhaps it's only exist in my dream or I watched too much fairy tales. After taking much time talking to God, I guess i got an answer. I just need to love myself first then I can start to love someone else. My previous condition was a different one. I just too curious to try anything. So, I trapped into a 4 years puppy love of mine. Deeply thinking, there's always a pro and con in my past relationship. I was too emotional back then. I felt stupid,lonely and wild. Sigh! that's why being a teenager is hard. Dealing with this stupid desire that keeps haunting you from days and nights. From age 12 till 19, my thoughts was full of curiosity about life. Until I turned 20, everything started to slow down a bit. I even decided to enter university. In my 20's, all thing that I can do during my below 19 is impossible now. For example, I can't act stupid and pretend that I didn't know anything because in the end I need to be an independent young lady. I can't just keep depending on my mother. She even asked me to get married soon. Hmm. When she asked me to do it, I'm completely speechless. My words even got scared until it escape. My mind making a blank space for that question. My mouth seems locked. I can't barely move my entire body. That question just like a spell that makes my body and mind stop for a second. It's not like I don't want to get married but at least let me enjoy more on my bachelor life. I think I want a guy that a bit matured that me, older that me, not older that my big brother but I think it's okay maybe. But most important, he knows God, he believes and he can guide me to be more close to God. I might need to be a bit demanding person because I want him to take care of me for the rest of my life. He need to be strong physically and mentally. Only that I required from my future man. I don't care if he's not that handsome but a guy with sincere heart and respect people from all age can melt my heart away. There's a time I think I'm too much but it is what it is. My mom won't let me marrying a weak guy. I broke up from my previous relationship was because my mom didn't like him. So, conclusion is whatever my mom says, I will obey it for sure or else there's a punishment awaits. Let me tell you, obeying to your parents especially if he or she is only one left for you is good. I'm just saying course I'm doing it. My mother pretty much is my inspiration for my whole life. When I'm listen to what she said or asked me, everything's good and almost all are right. Except she asked me to get married early just because she wants a grandchild. Seriously mom? I thought she's making a joke. I can tell you a bit about the guy that almost becoming my future partner. He's definitely older that my big brother. This year, he's almost enter age 30's. He's having a close relationship with God. (How do I know? Let's keep it more private) He's has good look, strong and a bit taller then me. I'm even younger than his younger brother ( just 1 year okay). His parents keep watching me on church. So, I need to be more careful than before. Wearing properly for the sake to maintain my mom's reputation and also dress the best I can to God's home. His sisters seems clueless and I'm glad. Just imagined they might having a younger sister in law. Yikes! TMI. HAHA! He's into sports,arts and musics. Marathon surely his thingy. (Vice versa from me)But now, he got his own girlfriend and no more such arranged marriage anymore. My dreams was over and tearing apart. (Joke! HAHA!) Actually, He used to be my favorite guy. Well, not always what we want we need to have it right? so, I move on easily. It's not a very big deal after all. Although my heart aching a bit. It's not like I'm not used to it but at least it will go away sooner than I thought. I really thought that I end up marrying him. What a stupid day dream! Almost make a fool to myself by thinking of that. Now it become part of experience and it did spice up the story of my life. I thank God for what everything that has happen to me. Latest update is, I end up to close my heart and hoping to be single forever. Is it possible for me? but why not right? I guess my mom won't let me to do that too. Extreme much she said. (Sigh!) She keep reminding me about she wanted to have a grandchild. (Oh, well whatever) I just told her to wait. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving her a false hope. I really don't know what's next. Focus on study, keep seeking God's presence and more. Just go through my life according to what God's already plan for me. After all, HIS plan is the best of all. If there's something happen, I will write it here. Bye!