Ups and Downs ( a bit dramatic) Or perhaps a little bit pathetic as usually.

I'm pretty much satisfied with my life now. I got entered to university and study my favorite course. Also far from where I belong. The far I go, the more I can challenge my independent self. Being far not always bad and not always good. Me, as a 21 year old young lady, I have so much thing that's going on in my mind. I slowly built my goal and future from my imagination and it usually works on night. Thank God I'm not an insomnia person. I still be able to sleep because I imagined it piece by piece and step by step. That's what limitation for. I mean I can built it until it can be done and be seen but I won't be able to do it yet.Timing is the next important step. What I learned from my mom is I need to learn to be more discipline and appreciate as the time goes by. Use it wisely or else you gonna regret it. Frankly, I did let the time goes by without doing anything that can makes myself be better. Procrastinator is kinda my nickname. I used to do things on last minute. Even if examination comes, I will wasting my time watching movies. Oh dear, I know I need to stop. I was so impressed with my courage to study on my first semester. I did a lot of notes and read it several times. As my age adding, of course I will think about the teeny tiny little thing that called love. Deep down inside my heart there's a desire to be love and to love someone dearly. I did go through those things a year ago, but that 4 years of puppy love made a scars in my heart. Ruined my expectation towards the opposite sex. I always dream of someone who can love me for who I am. Just like John Legend's song said, "Cause all of me, loves all of you,love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you." Maybe I just expecting too much. It's not like I can't do myself to be more better but after living quite awhile watching all the thing that happen, there's always a right person that loves you for who you are. Is not that hard right? perhaps it's only exist in my dream or I watched too much fairy tales. After taking much time talking to God, I guess i got an answer. I just need to love myself first then I can start to love someone else. My previous condition was a different one. I just too curious to try anything. So, I trapped into a 4 years puppy love of mine. Deeply thinking, there's always a pro and con in my past relationship. I was too emotional back then. I felt stupid,lonely and wild. Sigh! that's why being a teenager is hard. Dealing with this stupid desire that keeps haunting you from days and nights. From age 12 till 19, my thoughts was full of curiosity about life. Until I turned 20, everything started to slow down a bit. I even decided to enter university. In my 20's, all thing that I can do during my below 19 is impossible now. For example, I can't act stupid and pretend that I didn't know anything because in the end I need to be an independent young lady. I can't just keep depending on my mother. She even asked me to get married soon. Hmm. When she asked me to do it, I'm completely speechless. My words even got scared until it escape. My mind making a blank space for that question. My mouth seems locked. I can't barely move my entire body. That question just like a spell that makes my body and mind stop for a second. It's not like I don't want to get married but at least let me enjoy more on my bachelor life. I think I want a guy that a bit matured that me, older that me, not older that my big brother but I think it's okay maybe. But most important, he knows God, he believes and he can guide me to be more close to God. I might need to be a bit demanding person because I want him to take care of me for the rest of my life. He need to be strong physically and mentally. Only that I required from my future man. I don't care if he's not that handsome but a guy with sincere heart and respect people from all age can melt my heart away. There's a time I think I'm too much but it is what it is. My mom won't let me marrying a weak guy. I broke up from my previous relationship was because my mom didn't like him. So, conclusion is whatever my mom says, I will obey it for sure or else there's a punishment awaits. Let me tell you, obeying to your parents especially if he or she is only one left for you is good. I'm just saying course I'm doing it. My mother pretty much is my inspiration for my whole life. When I'm listen to what she said or asked me, everything's good and almost all are right. Except she asked me to get married early just because she wants a grandchild. Seriously mom? I thought she's making a joke. I can tell you a bit about the guy that almost becoming my future partner. He's definitely older that my big brother. This year, he's almost enter age 30's. He's having a close relationship with God. (How do I know? Let's keep it more private) He's has good look, strong and a bit taller then me. I'm even younger than his younger brother ( just 1 year okay). His parents keep watching me on church. So, I need to be more careful than before. Wearing properly for the sake to maintain my mom's reputation and also dress the best I can to God's home. His sisters seems clueless and I'm glad. Just imagined they might having a younger sister in law. Yikes! TMI. HAHA! He's into sports,arts and musics. Marathon surely his thingy. (Vice versa from me)But now, he got his own girlfriend and no more such arranged marriage anymore. My dreams was over and tearing apart. (Joke! HAHA!) Actually, He used to be my favorite guy. Well, not always what we want we need to have it right? so, I move on easily. It's not a very big deal after all. Although my heart aching a bit. It's not like I'm not used to it but at least it will go away sooner than I thought. I really thought that I end up marrying him. What a stupid day dream! Almost make a fool to myself by thinking of that. Now it become part of experience and it did spice up the story of my life. I thank God for what everything that has happen to me. Latest update is, I end up to close my heart and hoping to be single forever. Is it possible for me? but why not right? I guess my mom won't let me to do that too. Extreme much she said. (Sigh!) She keep reminding me about she wanted to have a grandchild. (Oh, well whatever) I just told her to wait. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving her a false hope. I really don't know what's next. Focus on study, keep seeking God's presence and more. Just go through my life according to what God's already plan for me. After all, HIS plan is the best of all. If there's something happen, I will write it here. Bye!