Thank You for Loving ME.

This week supposed to be study week for me because next week I have exams! Gosh. I'm so not ready for exam and guess what I have 8 papers. Yes, 8 papers! I have only 1 week to study all that. Can't wait to go home and meet them. Missing home since forever! Especially my little brother. While ago, I'm having dinner with my roommate. We just cooked it on rice cooker. I cook some omelet and rice. Suddenly, we talked about our ex. Frankly, I did miss that skinny guy a lot. I still care for him but ex is ex and nothing will change. While sipping my green tea, I just realized that I haven't said proper gratitude for those who loves me dearly especially my mother and the other family members. Most importantly, my savior Jesus Christ. HE loves me unconditionally. Thank You Lord. You're the best! Of course, him the ex too. We've been together for almost 4 years. He did loved me, appreciated me and cared for me. I would like to say thank you very much for the love, time and money. I probably wouldn't be here or not even strong enough to face anything in this world. I'm so grateful to have such people that loves me so much. Also, my daddy in heaven, thank you for the everything in the past. You're my hero, my king and the first man that I love. Even though you left us early but we'll always remember you till now. 18 years is a long period of time. But, I still remember the way you speak, how your coffee taste like, your shirts and many more. Silly me, I'd even saw your face on stranger that rode motorcycle during kindergarten. That shows how I still can't accept the fact that you were gone. From now on, I will learn how to appreciate people in my life whether at the good times or bad.

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?

I'm an introvert girl who's trying to be friend with many people as many as possible even though it's hard because I often felt awkward to start a conversation with a person. My mother used to scold me because I'm not friendly enough towards people. Most of my friends will say the same damn thing about my first impression to them. They would say that I'm arrogant, the quiet one, the Chinese girl who can't speak in Bahasa, and so on. Well, I'm opposite of the quiet one, the arrogant but I have to agree about having Chinese face. HAHA. I can speak in mandarin and cantonese a bit. I have different race of friends now. Thanks to Uni life, I managed to get as many friends as I can. But, not all of them are true friends. They always stay by my side when I'm happy, but by the time when I was sad, stress, sick or needed someone to there, almost all of them are disappear. I'm not going to mention their name one by one. I'm not that cruel. I'm just started to realize about it's not about quantity but quality. True friend stay with us even if there is a storm coming because they know that there will be sunshine and rainbow afterward. Certain people might think that having a friend is quite troublesome but it's worthy because they really appreciate the friendship that they have with you. My favorite quality about my best friend is honesty, understanding, kind hearted and not judgemental. I will not mention her name here due to privacy matter. I'm really happy to finally had a best friend that actually understands me, being a listener, advisor, a shield, a comic relief and many more. I can talk to her about many stuff. She had been through the similar thing as me. She had the same way of perspective on each argument or opinion. She also an energy provider. I'm glad to have her as my best friend also my roommate for almost 2 years. 

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

This question kind of similar to the previous question. Well, I probably would say that my sister is that one person in this world that knows me best and worst. She's not like other sister like everyone else had. She's insecure, lazy, timid, not feminine at all and can sing well. We're 3 years apart. We only share clothes when we were small. I always end up wearing her dress (mostly). This is because she was born second then me the middle child. Growing up, we're quite closed to each other. She went through many things then I do such as period. She did teach me how to use pad during period. Explain to me things that happens during period, what to avoid, what to wear and etc. She's like my second mother. My mother always busy with her work. As usual, she'll leave early to work then came home around 4 pm. We only met each other during the night and of course she'll sleep earlier that everyone. So, I wasn't really independent before because I used to depend on my sister. I will ask her anything that bother my mind. I still done it until now. These days, technology has been upgraded. We just chat through Whatsapp. When it comes to guy problem, she's the one that provide answer to my question. Even though, I am quite rude to her but she's slowly get used to it. I can speak politely o her. I don't know why. I'm just being me. Sometimes, I cursed more than actually speak to her. HAHA. Sorry. I know I'm rude but she did like it. If I speak politely, she immediately asked what's wrong with me. I did respect her no matter in what condition. She still my sister. Blood is thicker than water I must say. Family is everything to me. I will never put anyone else other that my family and God. Once again, my sister is the person who knows me best. That girl knows me better than anyone else in my family. 

Ex Syndrome.

I did tell you before that he's coming back right? Yes. He is coming back in my life at the time I am at my lowest point in life right now. I lose all of my motivation to study and be better this semester. I lose myself. I'm battling with the new me now. I hate being like this suddenly. Knowing that he's making his come back this month, I always be insecure. What if I accept him back? what if he did love me but refuse to accept my flaws? what if he's the one? These thoughts really bother me lately. Somehow, I find myself trying so hard to grab his attention. Why would I done something like that? I left him before. I was the one hurting. I was the one being replaced by some girl that is way better that me. Why should I want his attention? What for? I firmly say to everyone that I would never accept him back in my life. But my heart said yes. Give him another chance and grab as much attention so that he realize that I was the girl that he's been looking for. I know, it's dumb. I already throw him out of my life but now I'm trying to pick it up. Again? Gloria, he's the one who doesn't love you and accept you wholeheartedly. Why bother to pick him up again? He's just like useless junk. It will make your life miserable as the old days. I have this eerie feeling whenever I'm with him. I always felt timid when I'm with him. His friends keep mocking me by saying that I'm fat and ugly. Those evil friends of his always tried to separate us. My head really messed up during this semester. I don't want to have any attachment or commitment. I need a break. Everything happened to fast and I couldn't catch up really quick. I'm such a laid back person and hate to rush on everything. I want him but and the same time I don't want him enter my life again. I don't want him being part of my routine where I need to text him every morning or saying good night before sleep. Sigh. How I miss that but no. Wanting him back is wrong Gloria, totally wrong! You are fine without him. Being alone and independent is your goals. I always dream to have my own apartment and cat. Having steady job and my favorite car. Be strong!

Mother.

Mother is someone or a person who loves us more than anything in this word. A person that sacrifice a lot to make sure that we are growing up well. A person can do multitasking job. She can be anything that we wanted her to be. She's our teacher, our best friend, our doctor, our nurse and many more. I personally had a supermom. She plays both mother and father during me and my siblings growing up. She had to juggle between working and taking care of us. She's not perfect or she's not strong enough to handle all things at once. She's exhausted, she's crying in the middle of the night when all of us were sleeping soundly. She had no one to talk to because she act strong in front of her family. She poured everything in her small and old journal. She hid somewhere on her drawer. I saw it before and it was so sad. She lost her husband right after 10 years of their marriage. She had 5 kids. The first one still 10 years old and the younger one still 2 years old. I still remember it clearly, it happened when I was 5 years old. Sadly, I couldn't understand any of it. the funeral was held 3 days straight at our home back in Indah Jaya. That place really bring out all the memory. My little brother was born there, we bought our first car after many years of struggling and etc. Above all, she's such an amazing mother to me. She taught me how to be independent, to cook, to be a person with a good heart, she taught me that it's okay to be ordinary, it's okay to be yourself, she also taught me to be a stubborn, she taught me to never cry if a guy left me, she taught me how to be firm in every decision that I'll make, she taught me everything that I didn't know. She's my idol, my most favorite teacher, my queen, my chef and many more. I just wanted to tell you, Mummy, you are the greatest gift that God ever give me, I'm always be thankful to God because HE choose you to be my mother. I'm sorry for not being a great daughter. Someday, I'll make you proud! Happy mother's day! I love you more that anything in this world.

Love,
From your middle child.

9. Who are your closest to in your family? Why?

For me, family always come first. I have mother, 1 elder brother, 1 elder sister and 2 younger brother. So if includes me then, we are 6 people in total. I'm the middle child and always get tired by my sibling's drama. The fact that just found on the internet about middle child is quite impressive. Here it is ; Middle children are great negotiators. A study conducted by Jason Kaufman and Daniel Eckstein in 2012 on the role of birth order in personality found that since middle kids usually have to find a way out between the oldest and youngest children from early on, they turn out to be articulate in proving their point. Okay, let's focus on the question. I'm not sure but I have my own favorite person in my family. I mean my family mother and siblings , relatives are not included. I'm super closed with my mother. I basically told her everything on my mind except my grades. HAHA. She'll kill me if she know the truth about how dumb can I be. Second person that I'm really closed is my one and only sister. She really understands me. She knew how bad and good I am. She the only creature that I told literally everything. Even about my CGPA, my current crush, my bank account balance and so on. Even though she's not feminine enough but she still soft at heart. Yeah, I know she's kind of brutal and looks wild but she's totally a good person. I knew her and growing up with her is fun except the fact that I'll be the one who always do chores, cook and etc. My mother rarely cooks for us because she always busy with her work and came home late and leave too early to work every morning. But, above all, I'm close with all of my family member. No matter how hard we used to fight. Family comes first.

My kind of 10 May

Today is a public holiday. I woke up on 11 am because last night was a tiring day for me. Joining a singing competition for Dusun language is hard. Pronunciation and everything. Just too tired. So, I just laying on my bed and sit in front of my laptop all day is quite relaxing for me at least. I know my eyes is sleepy all the time because of this kind of routine. I still haven't check if any assignment need to be done this week. I just too tired of everything. I did tell you guys before that I had boyfriend. That boyfriend became my ex for almost 5 years now I guess. I'm kind of in shock when I saw his name appeared on my Instagram story line. I bet he's curious about what's going on in my life now. since he just broke up with his latest girl *evil laugh* I know I shouldn't be laughing but I can't help myself from it. Sorry. I know I'm being mean but serves his right. Past few years, I was the who ended the relationship because he's being a jerk. After that, I never looked back and choose to forget things. I'd cut my hair short and entered University. I felt so good and I'm proud to say that I'm be able do live without him. Today, I felt a bit strange. Seems like my heart says that I should give him another chance. Is it worthy? or is it because I feel lonely? I'm so confused. As much as I hate him, I never wanted to forget him. Some people might say remember bad things that he already done towards you. Yes, being with him always make me felt insecure about my body. He did love me but not the whole me. When I thought about it, I never wanted to face the same problem as the old days. He had a lot of flaws but so do I am.  I choose the accept and embrace his flaw while him keep asking me to change and become someone else. Why? I'm just so disappointed. As a young Gloria back on 2009, she just want to be beautiful she goes but he doesn't find that I' beautiful in my on way. Choices can always be made, the most importantly be wiser.

Type of guy that already been in my list before

During the whole 23 years old of living, as a girl who haven't explore many aspect in life yet but the world of relationship seems familiar to her. There will be several types of guy that I have met before or must I say I've been crush on. 

1. The Jock

Back in primary school, I knew this guy for quite some time. He's the jock for basketball. I went to Chinese primary school and yes basketball is the main sports there other than ping pong. He's good looking, tall, charming smile, popular (among everyone), speak mandarin very well ( because he doesn't even had Chinese blood at all) , he had a sister which also popular among guys, tan skin and have an impressing grades. Who doesn't wanted a guy like that? He's the most popular guy and last for couple years because he's so good at it. I mean basketball of course. Back then I was so curious and fortunately I managed to get to know him through his sister which me and her sister had same age but different class. Mine was Class A and his sister Class B. I'm just happen to be in Class A from primary 1 till 6. But I swear I wasn't the famous of the smartest student in that class. I'm still dumb and love to laugh out loud yet be thankful enough to be there. So, he's so perfect I must say. For the first time I'd talk to him, he's so friendly and open. He even remember my name and will say 'hi' every time he saw me anywhere in school. I was so fond and started to be one of his cheerleader during his games. He did appreciate it and say thank you for coming or thank you for supporting my team but the truth is I was there because of him. HAHA. As the years goes by, he suddenly open up about a girl. That girl was my friend. She and I rode the same school bus. So, he asked for help. He really wanted to know her. For the sake of my crush, I did help him. At the end, they liked each other and he went crazy for that girl. After that, I decided to move on because I bet still now he still crazy or that girl. 

2. The Mama's Boy

I met this guy after I decided to move on from the jock. I know I'm moving too fast but I met him at the church. He's the first guy I ever fond for to long. 8 or 9 years I guess. Frankly, he is my type. All of it. All the imperfection just makes me adore him more and more. He's 2 years older than me. He's the only son that his parents had. Which means he had 4 sister. My mother once said that never choose a guy that had a lot of sister because they can go against you. But, I never listen to her. My heart and mind seems get along for the first time. Again, he's tall, fair, quite good looking, popular among girls,brainy, can play music instrument and most importantly he's Christian. I'm actually having a hard time when I had a crush on him because there's a girl that capture his attention first. What I want to say is the girl is one of the closest person during that days. I was so dumb and told her about him, about my feeling to him. She end up liking that guy and be close to each other. Man, I was like been betray by her. My heart crushed and I slowly develop my hate towards her. At first, this guy doesn't know my existence but thanks to that girl, he finally knows that there's a girl named Gloria existed in that church. Honestly, we almost never talk to each other until now. He's choose to neglect my existence and even remove me from his Facebook friend list. He happened to know about my feelings from that lucky girl. She told him from A to Z and even gave my number to him. During that time, that lucky girl already ha another boyfriend and suddenly decided to "help" me by telling him about my feelings towards him. We did chat a bit through phone. I may sounded desperate but I did like him very much and decided not to be intimidate by it. But still, he never liked me back and keep on having various girls in his life. Until now, he still not over his ex and still a mama's boy. His mother keep mentioning his name whenever she saw me. Some how, I was confused and wonder what actually that she's trying to mean by it. At the end, I choose to let go. He will always be the person my heart. Strangely, I will know when he's single and available because he's appeared in my dreams. He always know that I'm single and maybe always ready to love him, Unfortunately, that's all in the past. Farewell.

3. The Coffee Lover Guy

I knew this guy before I had any crush on anyone else. His mother introduced us both. I still remember the good old days. I was a bubbly girl and he was the quiet with a friendly smile boy. He's 6 years older than me. He always away from home and I barely knew about him because of that. He's always been an independent since primary. He's a good looking guy with a smile that can makes me melt, like to travel the world, a marathoner, love's his coffee, good in cooking and baking, family oriented guy, friendly, a mature guy and he's Christian. I met him couple times during holidays such as Chinese Lunar New Year, Harvest festival and Christmas. I adore him from the moment I met him. It's the weird feeling I ever had. But choose to ignore it until that one day his mother mentioned about arranged marriage. She was so worried about her elder son still haven't settle down while his sister is way ahead him now. I never ever ever ever thought about liking him or being one of the candidate for that arranged marriage thing. You know why? because I just broke up with my ex for one month during that time. Of course his mother knew that I am single and available. I wasn't expect that I would be one of his candidate. His mother began to check out on me every time at the church. Until, I suddenly fell for him. Physically at first because I never talk to him before. After awhile, he open a cafe at my hometown which is his hometown too. This may sound cliché to you but I did talk to God about how much I wanted to know him and wish he is living near. Then, I believe God actually listen and he finally went back to our hometown and started a cafe here. He lived 3 miles from my old neighborhood. Surprisingly, we did move to a new neighborhood last December. Which somewhere near his neighborhood. I'm speechless. I just wish I can meet him everyday. I really get jealous for the people who can met him everyday. My family knew about this because his mother and my mother quite closed to each other. She always asked about how am I doing, when will I go back to Sabah and so on.  Frankly, I really want to sit with him at his coffee shop and talk about random things. I want to know how his point of view about the world, about people, about all kind of things. I was curious how he see the world. I still remember the day that I actually met him after many years of stalking him at social media. Admiring his picture on Instagram and Facebook. See the detail of his face throughout his picture. One fine Sunday, I knew he went to our church for evening service before fly back to our hometown. He stood there and smile as if he knew me so well. I felt to grateful on that day and I did smile towards him and enter the church. His sister even asked me to sit along with them. My heart pounding like crazy, my feet freakin' cold because I was nervous and don't know how to act. Thankfully, I can handle it very well on that day. He's so impressed when he knew that I'm taking Spanish language at University. Our little talk end so fast because he's rushing to go to airport. For the first time, he shakes my hand and wish me good luck for study. I swear the butterflies on my stomach went wild, my heart stops beating for a second. I still can't forget his warm hand and his sweet smile. My feelings for him grew stronger each day. He did appear in my dreams couple times. Last semester break, I was so determined. I told my brother that I wanted to go to his cafe and meet him too. Even if we live nearby, but it's hard to meet him because he was so busy and he went to other church on Sunday. The day before Valentine, finally God allowed me to go there. When we arrived, the shop was so quiet and no one there except for his worker. His worker warmly greet us and gave us the menu. I ordered a vanilla latte, nachos and chicken pie. I was a bit disappoint because he wasn't there. Few minutes later, I heard the door was open. I sat facing back from the door while my brother vise versa. He quickly approached our table and started a conversation. He thought my brother brought his girlfriend to his cafe. When he saw me, he smiles. Amazingly, he did remember me. We had a quite long conversation. He did asked me to speak Spanish for him. We laughed at the same stupid jokes, his eyes fixed towards mine. I can feel that he's standing closer to me. He such a great guy. His buff biceps and charming smile. Gosh! I really can't sleep well during the night. I was contented. I thank God for the day. Finally I can talk to him about random things on his coffee shop. I can felt the chemistry between us. We get along really fast and he so focused whenever I talk. But, now still on prayer. I just pray for the best and let God decide. 

To be continued..