Second choice, random thoughts and whatever!

Honestly, I always been into this kind of situation where people always put me on their list but end up choosing someone else instead of me. Some of the jerks gave some stupid excuses by saying that they felt afraid to choose me just because I'm an Anemic. Those tiny brains just being nice and tried to make up stupid excuses. The truth is they would love to have a skinny girlfriend. Well, as thick girl living in Asian country where most of the girls are skinny, have a fair skin and intelligent would be sucks. While me, being called fat, ugly and stupid by some people. Here, in my country, people are so competitive ( on being fair). I believed each country had their own definition of beauty. In Asian country, it is a mandatory to have a fair skin, skinny and more. Why I said it's mandatory? this is because there's tons of beauty products that focus only on whitening skin. Every people in here are crazy over being fair or being skinny. I'm not saying being skinny is a bad idea but some people just can't lose weight easily. Eating healthy food could cost a fortune but no all. I know that not all people is suitable for one way of dieting. Our metabolism can be fast or slow. Our body condition is different and so do their expenses or perhaps their lifestyle or health condition. Some people are lucky to born healthy but some don't. Like me, since I was a little, I suffered an asthma. Many years after that, I was diagnose as an Anemic. My mother's family has problem with their skin condition and most of them would having a psoriasis, eczema and so on. No doubt about it, I'm also having one of those. I'm trying so hard to remove it but still having it for years. It really effecting my self esteem to be straightforwardly. I think I might having a pre-depression. This is the worst year ever where I didn't care about my studies, skipped the class for the entire semester ( some class only) and I have less friend. I can't coop up with others. I often felt left out, wanted to go back to my room and hating group work. I'm losing my motivation in studies. I hate it. I wanted to run away. Missing home so much. The worst feeling ever! I thought about suicide before but it's just stupid idea. Despite of all this, I just want someone to hold to, someone to lean on, someone to miss whenever it's rainy days, someone that will be there for you when all thing starts to fall apart, someone can make your day after having such an exhausted freaking day or when you're having mood swings, or someone who is appreciate your presence, will love you endlessly, accepting all the flaws and the imperfection. But, I know this is such an impossible case or I must say it is a hopeless case. Back to reality, I'm just an ordinary girl who loves to eat, to sleep, enjoy doing nothing during holidays, love to write or type on her blog but doesn't have a good grammar ( at least I've tried my best ), love to sing, love music, an old soul who'll never fit in this millennial era, still a virgin also loving the moonshine, having an awkward smile, weirdly nerd and being called smart but the truth is vice versa. Dumb is the clue. 

How big is your comfort zone?

Lately, I've been doing things that completely out of my comfort zone. I admit that it felt great to get out from it for a while. Everything seems new to me and it's like a roller coaster ride. I'm having acrophobia and I hate getting on a plane. Sit beside the window of the plane can be worst for me. I felt like dying at first, my hands started to sweat, my foot cold as ice, my head is spinning and I can't breathe properly. I know I shouldn't let that conquered me. I'm still learning to handle it. Sometimes I pick a seat near the window and I felt good to see the clouds that almost similar to cotton candy. It was pink and white as if I was in a cotton candy heaven. I know it's lame but that's why I felt. Maybe it is the new way to manage the phobia. Who knows right? Okay, I had a dream last night. I'm not sure whether it was good or bad but it was about my crush. Seems like he asked me to go to the gym and lose weight. Yes, I know I'm fat. But I also having a plan to do the weight lose challenge between me and my sister. There's a person who keep asking me when will I lose weight, you look great if you are skinny and blah blah blah.. I know it's important to take care of physical appearance but let me focus one thing first, study. It's been a hell semester for me now. I'm having exams and soon going back to my hometown. The price for flight ticket is soaring high because of Eid this end of the month and that counts as holiday since it is a celebration. How big is my comfort zone? this question somewhat makes me think twice. Did I really thought about it? Or I just slowly expand the zone. Making friends might influenced our comfort zone. For instance, I'm such a timid person. Public speaking is a big no no for me but the more friends I had, the more braver I've gotten. This may sounds weird to you but it really happens on me. My comfort zone keep on expanding because of my surrounding and people. I basically live in a new city for the past 3 years. I'm grateful for this kind of experience. I did changed a lot. More independent, still struggling to manage my own financial (HAHA), failed to eat clean, closer to God, still into him and many more. The transformation is not only for physically but also mentally. 

Almost~

I still remember about this incident. It was few years ago, before I entered to University. I met a guy through online. At first, I'm so excited knowing that I finally have someone to chat with because during that time me and my ex were broke up. So, basically the online guy was some kind of temporary excitement. Sounds cruel right? but I'm just trying to be honest. We started pretty well. He added me on Facebook. He send me a private message. He said " Hi there, I think I know you because we  went to the same elementary school but I was your super senior." I replied to him and said " Hi too. oh, really? I didn't remember you at all." This is because I'm just an ordinary student who tried to survive in school. It was Chinese school. I had to learn everything in Chinese language except for Bahasa Melayu & English subjects. It was hard and I had few horrible memories there and one of them I was beaten by my homeroom teacher. She uses a cane and hit on my palm for 21 times. I just couldn't remember the essay. She asked us to memorize it during morning class and the afternoon we had tuition class with the same teacher. I just can't memorize it well. It was all the Chinese character. Gosh. That kind of punishment makes me a better person ( I can memorize more lyric after that. HAHA. it has nothing to do with Chinese character) Sadly, that fierce homeroom teacher passed away couple years ago. She just too old. I bet it's time for her. Okay, back on track. that online guy being friendly to me. Suddenly, we've became so much closer than ever. There's an app that named Wechat. He's asking for my ID and added me there. Surprisingly, nearly every day we've been chat. Yes, we had good morning, good night and 3 am talk. We're being lovey-dovey. We've been go out for 3 times. He told me everything that cross on his mind. No secrets between us. The chemistry was there. The spark started to have a lot of smoke. Even if he's busy during the day, he still managed to call or send a chat. He used his office phone to call me and tell that he missed me. Everything was fine until he told me that he had a crush on other girl. After that, he rarely send a chat and ignoring me. Turned out to be he already confess his love towards that girl. How shocking that was for me. The girl was giving him hard time because that girl just broke up with her bf. I forgot to mention that the online guy also having the same situation like the girl. Basically, the 3 of us were in the same situation. I know it's sucks but we were not officially dating but he broke my heart. I'm falling into pieces. We stop sending chats when we were having quite a fight. He even went to my house just because he wanted to apologize. He used to tell me that he can't forget me. Till now, whenever he bumped into my mother somewhere he definitely will ask about me. He did love me but he loves her more. That was the only almost I ever had. I hate being the almost girl. What's the point then? he wasted my time. I even made a dessert for him and he did love it. Well, I refused to start any relationship now because I'm only end up being the almost girl again. No date, no pain. That's all.

Dear no one, here's a letter for you~

Dear future love, 

         How are you? I hope all things around you went well. How's your day today? How's school? or How's work? How's your family? Can't wait to know them. The reason I wrote this letter is I wanted to tell you that no matter how hard I am with you on the future please just bear with me. I noticed lately people tend to cheat on their partner. Well, social media has been expanding day by day. Many apps been created or made. I'm sure communication is not a problem or perhaps it is the reason people cheat on their partner. I don't know about you but I really enjoy 3 am conversation. I'm quite an introvert myself. I'm not saying that I hate small talk but honest talk would be awesome. I love coffee so much but I had migraine and need to cut off my caffeine intake per day. I'm not sure if it's true but I been reading this article about O blood type need to take control on their caffeine intake. So, I'm just doing it for the sake that I'm an O blood type. How about you? are you tea person or a coffee person? or perhaps you hate caffeinated drinks? Frankly, a relationship is not what I need for now. I just want to learn to embrace myself, build some confidence, try to eat clean and getting a good grades. I'm hoping that I can graduate on 2018. I would love to have you by my side now but I'm afraid you will walk away from me. I'm a girl with plenty of flaws. I'm not people's first choice. I'm the fat girl. I'm that last person people choose to be with. Sometimes, people refuse to be friends with me. But, never mind because quality is the only thing that matters. I really love being in small circle of people where I really know them, growing our faith together in Christ, having fellowship not only on Sunday but also on certain weekdays like Wednesday. I really enjoy being in Christian community. Somehow, that is almost like my comfort zone. How about you? how's the people on your surrounding? is it good? or vice versa? which church are you attending? How's your Sunday? the truth is I can't wait to meet you. I swear I'll be good to you, be there for you, be extremely proud to have you in my life, be the girl that you will love for the rest of your life, care for you of course! ut most importantly, love me for who I am. Again, I'm not perfect either looks or physically or mentally. HEHE. Kidding though. I'm that plain Jane. I don't have any special skills to attract people's attention. I'm not even good at talking. I'm really a shy person. I hate going on stage, do presentation or anything that makes me speak in front of crowd. But, thankfully I managed to have friends. Don't worry, I'm good being alone but it doesn't mean I didn't need you. I always need someone to be there for me. I'm might look tough but I always cry during the night before I go to sleep. This is because everything seems so hard for this semester. Right now is my 5th semester and I have 2 more to go. I really losing all the motivation to study, I hate going to class, feeling down, financial and family problems. I even thought about suicide. But, I know suicide doesn't fix anything. I always be thankful to God because of HIS love and mercy towards us the sinner. My mother sacrifice all of her just to make sure I can go to University. I can't be selfish. Right? Still, everything seems hopeless. I just want it to end faster. I wanna go home. I want to be with my family. Love, I almost tell you everything about me. Is it terrible? I bet you'll call me crazy or a girl that having a lot of issues. I can't lie to you. I don't want you end up not knowing my true self. I have so many things inside my head but I only speak what's really important. Through writing, I can throw it all in this website. My starter pack is listening to music, mood and type. Dear future love, I just wanna tell you that I will bother you a lot, madly in love with you, being whiny, being childish, being dumb, being weird, being hungry all the time and this is because I'm really comfortable with you or being with you.  You should prepare yourself too because I'm not that easy. Hope to meet you soon. Take care. Blessings!

Love,

Your future love

xoxo.

 

Thank You for Loving ME.

This week supposed to be study week for me because next week I have exams! Gosh. I'm so not ready for exam and guess what I have 8 papers. Yes, 8 papers! I have only 1 week to study all that. Can't wait to go home and meet them. Missing home since forever! Especially my little brother. While ago, I'm having dinner with my roommate. We just cooked it on rice cooker. I cook some omelet and rice. Suddenly, we talked about our ex. Frankly, I did miss that skinny guy a lot. I still care for him but ex is ex and nothing will change. While sipping my green tea, I just realized that I haven't said proper gratitude for those who loves me dearly especially my mother and the other family members. Most importantly, my savior Jesus Christ. HE loves me unconditionally. Thank You Lord. You're the best! Of course, him the ex too. We've been together for almost 4 years. He did loved me, appreciated me and cared for me. I would like to say thank you very much for the love, time and money. I probably wouldn't be here or not even strong enough to face anything in this world. I'm so grateful to have such people that loves me so much. Also, my daddy in heaven, thank you for the everything in the past. You're my hero, my king and the first man that I love. Even though you left us early but we'll always remember you till now. 18 years is a long period of time. But, I still remember the way you speak, how your coffee taste like, your shirts and many more. Silly me, I'd even saw your face on stranger that rode motorcycle during kindergarten. That shows how I still can't accept the fact that you were gone. From now on, I will learn how to appreciate people in my life whether at the good times or bad.

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?

I'm an introvert girl who's trying to be friend with many people as many as possible even though it's hard because I often felt awkward to start a conversation with a person. My mother used to scold me because I'm not friendly enough towards people. Most of my friends will say the same damn thing about my first impression to them. They would say that I'm arrogant, the quiet one, the Chinese girl who can't speak in Bahasa, and so on. Well, I'm opposite of the quiet one, the arrogant but I have to agree about having Chinese face. HAHA. I can speak in mandarin and cantonese a bit. I have different race of friends now. Thanks to Uni life, I managed to get as many friends as I can. But, not all of them are true friends. They always stay by my side when I'm happy, but by the time when I was sad, stress, sick or needed someone to there, almost all of them are disappear. I'm not going to mention their name one by one. I'm not that cruel. I'm just started to realize about it's not about quantity but quality. True friend stay with us even if there is a storm coming because they know that there will be sunshine and rainbow afterward. Certain people might think that having a friend is quite troublesome but it's worthy because they really appreciate the friendship that they have with you. My favorite quality about my best friend is honesty, understanding, kind hearted and not judgemental. I will not mention her name here due to privacy matter. I'm really happy to finally had a best friend that actually understands me, being a listener, advisor, a shield, a comic relief and many more. I can talk to her about many stuff. She had been through the similar thing as me. She had the same way of perspective on each argument or opinion. She also an energy provider. I'm glad to have her as my best friend also my roommate for almost 2 years. 

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

This question kind of similar to the previous question. Well, I probably would say that my sister is that one person in this world that knows me best and worst. She's not like other sister like everyone else had. She's insecure, lazy, timid, not feminine at all and can sing well. We're 3 years apart. We only share clothes when we were small. I always end up wearing her dress (mostly). This is because she was born second then me the middle child. Growing up, we're quite closed to each other. She went through many things then I do such as period. She did teach me how to use pad during period. Explain to me things that happens during period, what to avoid, what to wear and etc. She's like my second mother. My mother always busy with her work. As usual, she'll leave early to work then came home around 4 pm. We only met each other during the night and of course she'll sleep earlier that everyone. So, I wasn't really independent before because I used to depend on my sister. I will ask her anything that bother my mind. I still done it until now. These days, technology has been upgraded. We just chat through Whatsapp. When it comes to guy problem, she's the one that provide answer to my question. Even though, I am quite rude to her but she's slowly get used to it. I can speak politely o her. I don't know why. I'm just being me. Sometimes, I cursed more than actually speak to her. HAHA. Sorry. I know I'm rude but she did like it. If I speak politely, she immediately asked what's wrong with me. I did respect her no matter in what condition. She still my sister. Blood is thicker than water I must say. Family is everything to me. I will never put anyone else other that my family and God. Once again, my sister is the person who knows me best. That girl knows me better than anyone else in my family.