Him.

I knew him for a few months from now. All I know is I kinda have a feeling for him. Honestly, I feel guilty when I'm trying to say about him. He's from the same area as I am. He's 2 years older than me. He's quite handsome and tall. He's kinda muscular because he's a jock. Frankly, he's personality hits all of my favorite guys list. I don't know much about him. Oh yeah, he also have a deep voice which is my favorite sound. HAHA! whateves! He's my favorite crush. Usually, all women have a sixth sense but there are not sure about. I believe in my sixth sense but at same time I didn't believe it and start pray for that. I hate guys that he want the girl but he just don't the courage to tell her. Is it that hard? When I asked my younger brother about it, he said if a guy easily can tell you that he likes you that's mean he's not that seriously like you. Sometimes, he just play along and you might be his rat lab. After hearing that, I seem a bit confuse with guys. What is exactly they want? They strongly said women is complicated but they are more complicated. They seem not very sure about everything. Like mom said, men only plans for tomorrow but women will plans until the future. Hmm. I wish he know my savior, Jesus. How I wish everything is not that complicated. So that I can like whoever I want. This is the first time I'm having a hard time to face this kind of struggle. Lord! It is really hard. I'm just a sinner and nothing more :(

Right person on the wrong time :)

I known this guy for almost 7 months. I had a crush with him since the day I met him. I first entered university and we had orientation week for the new students while he was one of the facilitator. 6 days after the orientation, I decided to forget about him. This early year, the spark start again. I just ignore it because for me it's really normal. Lately, he seems a bit weird. He always keep on eye on me. Even if I sat with a guy, he keep stares at the guy. I assumed that maybe he just treat me as her sister. Until, he's friends saw me then shouted his name and I'm very sure that he's not there. I was like confused with their behavior or perhaps they just act like crazy.The most craziest was, last night I dream about him. In my dream, he gave me a small bouquet of flower but it haven't bloom yet and it was colorful but when I asked who gave it he said it wasn't me. I can feel that he was lying and I don't why I feel that way. For whole my life, many boys just afraid to express their feelings towards me but with another girl they just simply say it the damn three words or perhaps I wasn't for them. I think we are not meant for each other, just meant to have feelings for each other. That's all I guess. I keep waiting for him to talk with me first. I hate to do the first move because I've a bit of arrogant and also I also have a pride. I don't to be a girl who keep chasin' a guy. That's not what my momma had teach me. Be a girl with a class, attitude and brain :)

Shame on me :(

After checking all my previous post on this blog, I burst into laugh. HAHA! can't believe how stupid I am back then. Almost about the pathetic ex. I feel so gross when I read it. Aw gosh! seriously it gross! So immature,stupid and childish. Shame on me. duh!

Thank God for everything :)

Ups and Downs ( a bit dramatic) Or perhaps a little bit pathetic as usually.

I'm pretty much satisfied with my life now. I got entered to university and study my favorite course. Also far from where I belong. The far I go, the more I can challenge my independent self. Being far not always bad and not always good. Me, as a 21 year old young lady, I have so much thing that's going on in my mind. I slowly built my goal and future from my imagination and it usually works on night. Thank God I'm not an insomnia person. I still be able to sleep because I imagined it piece by piece and step by step. That's what limitation for. I mean I can built it until it can be done and be seen but I won't be able to do it yet.Timing is the next important step. What I learned from my mom is I need to learn to be more discipline and appreciate as the time goes by. Use it wisely or else you gonna regret it. Frankly, I did let the time goes by without doing anything that can makes myself be better. Procrastinator is kinda my nickname. I used to do things on last minute. Even if examination comes, I will wasting my time watching movies. Oh dear, I know I need to stop. I was so impressed with my courage to study on my first semester. I did a lot of notes and read it several times. As my age adding, of course I will think about the teeny tiny little thing that called love. Deep down inside my heart there's a desire to be love and to love someone dearly. I did go through those things a year ago, but that 4 years of puppy love made a scars in my heart. Ruined my expectation towards the opposite sex. I always dream of someone who can love me for who I am. Just like John Legend's song said, "Cause all of me, loves all of you,love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you." Maybe I just expecting too much. It's not like I can't do myself to be more better but after living quite awhile watching all the thing that happen, there's always a right person that loves you for who you are. Is not that hard right? perhaps it's only exist in my dream or I watched too much fairy tales. After taking much time talking to God, I guess i got an answer. I just need to love myself first then I can start to love someone else. My previous condition was a different one. I just too curious to try anything. So, I trapped into a 4 years puppy love of mine. Deeply thinking, there's always a pro and con in my past relationship. I was too emotional back then. I felt stupid,lonely and wild. Sigh! that's why being a teenager is hard. Dealing with this stupid desire that keeps haunting you from days and nights. From age 12 till 19, my thoughts was full of curiosity about life. Until I turned 20, everything started to slow down a bit. I even decided to enter university. In my 20's, all thing that I can do during my below 19 is impossible now. For example, I can't act stupid and pretend that I didn't know anything because in the end I need to be an independent young lady. I can't just keep depending on my mother. She even asked me to get married soon. Hmm. When she asked me to do it, I'm completely speechless. My words even got scared until it escape. My mind making a blank space for that question. My mouth seems locked. I can't barely move my entire body. That question just like a spell that makes my body and mind stop for a second. It's not like I don't want to get married but at least let me enjoy more on my bachelor life. I think I want a guy that a bit matured that me, older that me, not older that my big brother but I think it's okay maybe. But most important, he knows God, he believes and he can guide me to be more close to God. I might need to be a bit demanding person because I want him to take care of me for the rest of my life. He need to be strong physically and mentally. Only that I required from my future man. I don't care if he's not that handsome but a guy with sincere heart and respect people from all age can melt my heart away. There's a time I think I'm too much but it is what it is. My mom won't let me marrying a weak guy. I broke up from my previous relationship was because my mom didn't like him. So, conclusion is whatever my mom says, I will obey it for sure or else there's a punishment awaits. Let me tell you, obeying to your parents especially if he or she is only one left for you is good. I'm just saying course I'm doing it. My mother pretty much is my inspiration for my whole life. When I'm listen to what she said or asked me, everything's good and almost all are right. Except she asked me to get married early just because she wants a grandchild. Seriously mom? I thought she's making a joke. I can tell you a bit about the guy that almost becoming my future partner. He's definitely older that my big brother. This year, he's almost enter age 30's. He's having a close relationship with God. (How do I know? Let's keep it more private) He's has good look, strong and a bit taller then me. I'm even younger than his younger brother ( just 1 year okay). His parents keep watching me on church. So, I need to be more careful than before. Wearing properly for the sake to maintain my mom's reputation and also dress the best I can to God's home. His sisters seems clueless and I'm glad. Just imagined they might having a younger sister in law. Yikes! TMI. HAHA! He's into sports,arts and musics. Marathon surely his thingy. (Vice versa from me)But now, he got his own girlfriend and no more such arranged marriage anymore. My dreams was over and tearing apart. (Joke! HAHA!) Actually, He used to be my favorite guy. Well, not always what we want we need to have it right? so, I move on easily. It's not a very big deal after all. Although my heart aching a bit. It's not like I'm not used to it but at least it will go away sooner than I thought. I really thought that I end up marrying him. What a stupid day dream! Almost make a fool to myself by thinking of that. Now it become part of experience and it did spice up the story of my life. I thank God for what everything that has happen to me. Latest update is, I end up to close my heart and hoping to be single forever. Is it possible for me? but why not right? I guess my mom won't let me to do that too. Extreme much she said. (Sigh!) She keep reminding me about she wanted to have a grandchild. (Oh, well whatever) I just told her to wait. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving her a false hope. I really don't know what's next. Focus on study, keep seeking God's presence and more. Just go through my life according to what God's already plan for me. After all, HIS plan is the best of all. If there's something happen, I will write it here. Bye!

Last day of 2014 :)

So, today is the last day of 2014. For me, 2014 is a magical year. It's been an awesome year, I thank God because I still alive and be able to praise HIM everyday. In my life, I really suck at love life and surprisingly became better than I thought. I got an offer to enter UM for Languages and linguistics course. Frankly, with my result I can't never entered any of the public university. Now, I believe how with God nothing is impossible. Such a blessing that I can continued my study here at UM. For my love life, I've been single since October 2013. After that, my life completely change because I thought I made a wrong decision to leave him. It was hard at the first place but day by day I did learnt to face it. 4 years relationship with that guy such a good experience I got. Too much circumstances in our relationship especially distance. Well, let's close that topic. HAHA! Now, I' m suffering because I always have crush on guy that is not supposed to be my crush. (you know what I mean) I wish I don't have such feeling. Every night, I can't get a good sleep because I always think about someone that doesn't even think or notice me at all. HAHA! sounds creepy and desperate. Other than that, I also felt that I've become a bit matured in terms of independent. I love living alone actually but still I miss my family so much. Can't wait to meet them and cook for them. I miss Sandakan so much! I miss the food also I miss my mom's dishes. How I wish I can study a bit near to my hometown. I got some new year wishlist and I'm going to share it! NEW YEAR 2015 WISHLIST 1) BEING CLOSER TO GOD 2) STAY HEALTHY 3) HOPEFULLY I CAN GET A GOOD GRADES 4) TO REDUCE MY WEIGHT 5) GAIN MORE CONFIDENT 6) CAN MANAGE MY FINANCIAL WHILE STUDY 7) SHARE MORE GOSPEL 8) NEVER SKIP CLASS (OH GOSH!) 9) I WANT TO KEEP MY HAIR LONG,NO MORE SHORT HAIR! 10) AVOID WATCH TOO MUCH MOVIES! 11) CAN SPEAK SPANISH FLUENTLY 12) GET A BOYFRIEND ( MAYBE?) 13) LAST BUT NOT LEAST, JOINING THE CHURCH MINISTRY HERE AT ST. PAUL PJ

Christmas~Exam~Back Home

Well, it's been a while I didn't post or write anything because I'm too busy during the whole lecture week. But, now it's study week and I got 1 week of holiday. My heart aching because I'm away from my family for Christmas. I'm just so far from them plus the flight ticket is very expensive. So, I choose to back home on January 2015. This is the first time I celebrate Christmas without my family. I still can't focus to the exam because it's Christmas and usually I didn't do anything except go to church and helping my mother at the kitchen. This year 2014 is a very miracle year and independent year for me and hopefully 2015 will be better than 2014. After I finish my exam, got extra 2 days for me to pack my things into the box. I just bring a little thing for going back to Sabah and the others I need to pack and put it into the box because I need to follow the protocol of this hostel. Honestly, I can't believe that I already finish 1 semester and it's so fast. I don't even realize it. So, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2015 for all the blogger. I wish I can meet someone special during this lovely season. God bless y'all!