Arranged Marriage?

At first, I'm not believe in this kind of thing. Arranged marriage? seriously? I don't even know it was already exist in 18 century. I know there's a lot of person dislike to be arrange marriage by their parents. My mother once being arranged by her parents which was my grandparents. But, my mother decline it and choose my father. Frankly, this arranged marriage thing is a bit difficult because you might end up being force to marry someone stranger or somebody you knew but not having a close relationship. Marriage thing is not a joke but it is a commitment for your whole life. Being with some you love and know for a long time might help up the desire to build the commitment even though they need to face many circumstances as one. While arranged marriage is you still need to know he/she at the first year of your marriage. Living with stranger is not that easy you know but after getting married with he/she, you can't no longer treat he/she as a stranger because they are already your spouse. After typing a few opinion, I just realize I am just a single young lady who was having her study week and within 10 more days will sit for her final examination for her last semester of 1st year. Funny right? The reason I'm writing (typing) about arranged marriage is because I, myself feel like I might end up being arranged marriage soon. But, I'm not very sure about it yet. I like to predict things. Sometimes, it is impossible. HAHA! Too much imagination you see. Or actually, I'm trying to escape from the reality which is the fact that I'm just too tired to find a new boyfriend and I'm too tired to have a relationship last for years but end up breaking up because he just a coward or my mother hate him more than ever. I didn't blame my mother though because she knows what is best for her daughter and sometimes she can be a bit demanding. She'll be like why you choose him? He don't even have a proper job. He's too weak for you. He's too young and you can't rely on him. What if you are sick and everything. She just too worried about me. Yes mother, I get it. Pray for the best and your daughter is not that pretty and intelligent either. She only can sing at the shower and that's her only talent. Finding a good man nowadays is impossible. I mean kind of hard. They just limited and you can't see them everywhere but if you do, they already belonged to somebody else. Somebody who definitely much better than me. Sad right? After being single for 1 year, I just realize that is very hard to find a new guy because you weren't pretty enough to compete with the rest. If I'm end up being arranged marriage later, I just accept it with wide open heart. But, firstly my mother need to identify him whether he is qualify or not. If my mother say yes then I'll do so. Like I said, she knew what best for me. So, there's a guy who might be the person that being arranged marriage. His parents and my mother were very closed. they even once said it if their son didn't find any girl, they will set him up to arrange marriage. His mother seems giving me a hint that I might be one of the candidate for his son's arrange marriage. I was so excited and happy back then but when I think back, will he like me? will he accept my imperfection? will us be a good team but above all will his siblings agree? I'm just too young. I'm even younger than his younger brother. Actually, I really want to know what happen next. I hate being stuck in this day dream. I did forget about him once but after I dream about the snake thing, my instinct told me the person is him but I still not sure and I don't want to expect anything yet. This thought is haunting me since his mother started gave me those hints. I don't want either. I know who I am and I know where I belong. I just can't erase him. It happens all the time. Lord, this is my biggest struggles. My heart and mind keep thinking about him. Whenever I started to like someone, the person seems can't do nothing but remain silent. Seems like there's nothing that they can do. I feel so confused. I want this to be over and I want to be free like a bird.

All the way to..

A passed few days, I dream about he's getting married. He seems happy and also his siblings. I didn't know why I dream about him in that situation. The engagement party is on his parent's house. He dress casually but the lady beside her wearing a white dress. The lady was chubby and I didn't know her. When he saw me, he did smile and seems like he is going towards me. The dream end like that and I end up being weird. I keep thinking about the dream. Last month, I had a dream. Dream about I was bitten by 2 snakes. Generally, if a single lady like me dream about that it means she will soon get married. But the funny part is, I don't have any boyfriend. My mother keep wondering what is happening actually. Frankly, I don't want to expect anything yet. Maybe it's just my imagination. I guess I watch too much drama and started to think how is it if the situation is happening towards me. I can't help but over thinking and feeling curious. I need to know what is happening actually. Keep wondering and didn't know what happens next. The solution is keep praying. Pray the best for him if he did found his soulmate. There's nothing I can do about it. I did like him. He's the perfect guy I ever seen in my entire life. He's smart, love his family,have a great job, believe in God, handsome, medium height, sporty, love music, can play music instrument more than 1, humble and more. Who doesn't like that kind of guy right? I guess he just like a prince while I am a common people in his country. I can't be with him because we are from the different background. Plus, I still not interested in having a relationship with anyone. I need time to figure out about myself.

Mental breakdown, I guess.

No matter how hard I do, she still didn't say a thing about me. She only like the intelligent student like the rest of my course mate. Maybe because they threat her as a friend. Once I did try to be friends with her but I always lose my chances. Sometimes, I wish I can be like the rest of my course mate. Whenever they talked in Spanish, they can immediately speak without fear. I wish I can be a person who talk without feels any fear and think without worrying too much what's gonna happen. Honestly, I am having mentally breakdown for this semester. She keep saying that I was so bad and seems like she doesn't like me at all. There's nothing special about me. She likes that kind of person who is talented and intelligent. You need to be special then she will attracted to you. How I can compete with the rest? I'm just an ordinary girl that comes from a medium family without a dad and people keep thinking I am clever but actually I'm not. Even if she didn't like me, I will try as hard as I could to get a good grades and maybe it doesn't matter whether I can be friends with her of not. I still believe that I can be better even though she keep telling that I am bad. She can be so annoying,burden,monster and so on but I'm thankful to God because HE send me her to teach me. I don't want to mention her name here. I just to say that whatever it is, I just want to pass every semester without disappointing my mother. I want to graduate on time and I just want to hold the scroll, be a better person, can find a job to help my mother, to take her to travel anywhere she want and learn different language as much as I can. God's will is more important than ours. You just can simply say about other people's future but at the end God's will can decide which way is ours destiny or our path. So what if I'm having mental breakdown now, I don't care because I know I can be better than everyone else. Who are you to judge me?

I hope you will understand it.

Maybe, I was being punished by my behavior that often judging a person. Whenever I did a small mistake, there's a group of people starting to judge me. Not only my mistake, they also will judge the whole me. Yes, sometimes I did escape a few of my class. That doesn't mean I'm planning to be a failure. If I do so, I won't be bother to enter to university. Sometimes, people didn't understand that a person will go through their ups and downs. Didn't they have it? oh yeah, I forgot. I'm not part of them. Doesn't mean I didn't care about them. If they having a problems, I will be a person who will try as much as I can to understand you condition. Now, I know how is it to taste my own medicine. So, I will be a better person that I was before. Remember, karma will always come after you. Aside of judging, you can also help the person or asking why they become like that. Is not that hard right? Unless you are heartless :/ But, sometimes I wish I can be heartless so that I can bear with all the mixed feelings. Unfortunately, we can't blame our God for creating hearts. I believe all of HIS creation are great and beautiful. We should be thankful all the time. Back to my main topic, I feel like I was being alienated by my own classmate. Never mind then, it's not like the end of the world. But at least, appreciate people that has come or go from your life. You might meet them only for awhile and goodbye's seems like forever. Above all, I just only trying to say that at least make an effort to respect other people. Even if it is very bad, they didn't even asked for it. Perhaps, after them, you are next. Learn from other people or your mistake. I believe it will help you to become a better person, more matured and more tolerance. It's not that hard to be a better person. Effort is all we need :)

Him.

I knew him for a few months from now. All I know is I kinda have a feeling for him. Honestly, I feel guilty when I'm trying to say about him. He's from the same area as I am. He's 2 years older than me. He's quite handsome and tall. He's kinda muscular because he's a jock. Frankly, he's personality hits all of my favorite guys list. I don't know much about him. Oh yeah, he also have a deep voice which is my favorite sound. HAHA! whateves! He's my favorite crush. Usually, all women have a sixth sense but there are not sure about. I believe in my sixth sense but at same time I didn't believe it and start pray for that. I hate guys that he want the girl but he just don't the courage to tell her. Is it that hard? When I asked my younger brother about it, he said if a guy easily can tell you that he likes you that's mean he's not that seriously like you. Sometimes, he just play along and you might be his rat lab. After hearing that, I seem a bit confuse with guys. What is exactly they want? They strongly said women is complicated but they are more complicated. They seem not very sure about everything. Like mom said, men only plans for tomorrow but women will plans until the future. Hmm. I wish he know my savior, Jesus. How I wish everything is not that complicated. So that I can like whoever I want. This is the first time I'm having a hard time to face this kind of struggle. Lord! It is really hard. I'm just a sinner and nothing more :(

Right person on the wrong time :)

I known this guy for almost 7 months. I had a crush with him since the day I met him. I first entered university and we had orientation week for the new students while he was one of the facilitator. 6 days after the orientation, I decided to forget about him. This early year, the spark start again. I just ignore it because for me it's really normal. Lately, he seems a bit weird. He always keep on eye on me. Even if I sat with a guy, he keep stares at the guy. I assumed that maybe he just treat me as her sister. Until, he's friends saw me then shouted his name and I'm very sure that he's not there. I was like confused with their behavior or perhaps they just act like crazy.The most craziest was, last night I dream about him. In my dream, he gave me a small bouquet of flower but it haven't bloom yet and it was colorful but when I asked who gave it he said it wasn't me. I can feel that he was lying and I don't why I feel that way. For whole my life, many boys just afraid to express their feelings towards me but with another girl they just simply say it the damn three words or perhaps I wasn't for them. I think we are not meant for each other, just meant to have feelings for each other. That's all I guess. I keep waiting for him to talk with me first. I hate to do the first move because I've a bit of arrogant and also I also have a pride. I don't to be a girl who keep chasin' a guy. That's not what my momma had teach me. Be a girl with a class, attitude and brain :)

Shame on me :(

After checking all my previous post on this blog, I burst into laugh. HAHA! can't believe how stupid I am back then. Almost about the pathetic ex. I feel so gross when I read it. Aw gosh! seriously it gross! So immature,stupid and childish. Shame on me. duh!