It's hard to love someone secretly

For almost 9 years, I always think about him. I feel guilty to my ex boyfriend because I love him but I keep thinking for someone else. For me, he's not just someone, he's a part of my life. He have a special place in my heart. I know this is so wrong. It's just I couldn't take it anymore, so now I let it all out. I wish I can tell him how I felt about him or maybe it is not important at all. All i can is just bury all the feelings and move on. I wish I could.

9 years and forever

I can't forget about him. Almost 9 years and on that long duration I still can't get rid of my feelings towards him. When I was busy fall in love with somebody, he always be in my heart. It seems like he's permanent in my heart,soul and mind. But, lately I felt so sad because his girlfriend left him and he was suffering now. On that time I always pray for him that God will make him happy again. Sometimes I was wondering am I that ugly or not really suitable for him? Or maybe God not allowed me to have him but it's really painful to be on that way. No matter how far I go or he go, I will always remember him. The thing is he just too much love her ex girlfriend. Well, there's no chance for me. I'm not suitable for him because he just too perfect for me. I always waiting for a chance to come of stop by but seems like it was out of God's plan maybe so I know it will never happen. Hmm.

It's not easy to be me

It's about 3 weeks and a half I've been living in this new place that called Kuala Lumpur. During that time I was struggle so many things such as muscle pain, sick, hard to remember the notes that has been given to me and so on. This only happens during this 3 weeks and half. I'm sure that during my 3 years and half here,there will be so much struggle and obstacles that I will be facing. Thinking of that, sometimes I'm quite afraid. When it comes to lean on God and trust HIM, there are seems no worry at all. Even though I'm sick or else, there will be something or someone will come and take care or things that can help me to face it. So far, my university life wasn't that bad. Living in this hostel was my first time. I mean before this I never experience living in a hostel because the school that I went was so close to my home sweet home. Speaking of home, I really miss it so much. Not only the home but its content too. I mean my family. hehe. The person I missed the most is my mother. Mommy, I really miss you. Since I was her little girl, I was the closest person to my mother. I always accompany her to go anywhere such as going to church, shopping and more. When it comes to plan something for our family, me and my mother always had a same opinion. Sometimes I think that I'm so desperately finding a "boyfriend" in this university. I hate it because I will always meet a wrong person rather than the right person. But girl, life isn't about love. The reason I came here was I want to study and graduate. Like my geography teacher said: kejar cita-cita dahulu dan cinta akan muncul dengan sendiri. I always keep this quotes in my mind. Also, when you stop finding and it will come by it's own. This is only an alternative and I still believe that God's plan simply the best among the best.

An adult life.

I've been about a week at the capital city of Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur. The reason why I'm being here is because I got an offer to persuade my study here at University of Malaya. I'm taking language & linguistics ( Spanish ). Actually, this was my first choice on UPU and I was so trilled by knowing that I did pass the interview and manage to enter the most prestigious university in Malaysia. My first impression when I saw the UPU result, I almost forgot where I am. Of course with happy tears and excited. Well, there's so many things that need to be done for example having my medical check up, changing my identification card, opening a new account bank and more. Entering University of Malaya was actually not my aim. I was aiming to enter the other university that near to my hometown Sandakan. I was hoping that I will entering University Malaysia Sabah (UMS) or University Technology Mara (UITM) because it was situated on Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. But, whatever it is I'm so thankful because God gave me this opportunity to study here and makes my mama proud. She almost telling the whole world that I am entering University of Malaya. I'm gonna continue makes my mama proud of me because I was the less active daughter she ever had and having health problems that always be her burden. With God nothing is impossible! Praise the Lord.

My Journey

Praise the Lord for HIS love and blessings had give me this opportunity to study at University Malaya. HIS plan was so beautiful and out of my own plans. My course is language and linguistic (Spanish). Only Lord knows how much I love to study languages with a different country and of course I never forget to learn my own language. I'm hoping that I can finish my studies successfully. I'm just following HIS plan. This 1st September, I'm officially a degree student on University Malaya. Thank You, God.

Being in love?

I really uncomfortable with this issue because I am not lucky on this love thing. Honestly, I used to be someone who hard to fall in love with somebody and until one day I fell in love with a guy that name F. I hate to share about it because it's kinda lame. In the age on 12 till 19 years old, I've already treasure my love story. It's kinda fun and I fell free when I fell in love on 12 till 19 years old. But now I'm already 20 years old. I'm so picky and feel so stress if I want to fall in love because I want a long lasting relationship not for fun FYI, it's just wasting my time if I'm busy paying attention with this love thing. Sometimes, being in love or having a boyfriend it's very traumatized me.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

So many people in this world said that we all need a friend for a lifetime. Friend is someone stranger and suddenly became part of our life. Sadly, for me friend is just a person that knows about me but don't understand me at all. I have 4 BFFs and all of them went to same high school as me. There were some kind of tragedy that causes me hard to believe my own BFF. That tragedy really impact my bad thoughts about people. Frankly, personally I am someone who hard to believe on people especially a new friend. I've been too much hurts and sorrow on believing people. I rather choose to be with my family than my own BFF. I'm really sorry because maybe some of my friend will see this but that's what I thought about you all. I know I'm not a good friend though. I've been given a fake hope for so many times and sometimes I think I don't need a friend.But above all, Thank God for being there for me. God knows every single inch about me. The best decision I ever made was receiving Jesus Christ as my savior. So sorry friends, I will never ever trust you all again. It's just a disappointment.