It's hard to love someone secretly

For almost 9 years, I always think about him. I feel guilty to my ex boyfriend because I love him but I keep thinking for someone else. For me, he's not just someone, he's a part of my life. He have a special place in my heart. I know this is so wrong. It's just I couldn't take it anymore, so now I let it all out. I wish I can tell him how I felt about him or maybe it is not important at all. All i can is just bury all the feelings and move on. I wish I could.