September!

I haven't post in awhile because I was busy doing nothing at home. No, I'm joking actually. I'm doing almost all the chores at home and I don't have spare time to work on this blog of mine Yeah, it's September and it's only few months away from Christmas. So much for a long vacation of mine, next week I'll be going back to KL. Uni life again. I'm gonna miss home again. Celebrating Christmas with new friends because recently me and my roommate couldn't get a place on the residential college. Then, we managed to find a place to stay which is a terrace house near our church neighborhood. Yeah, Thank God we actually staying with a bunch of Christian ladies. Very fortunate and finally Christmas is not about us two anymore. I mean me and my roommate. There's many things happened lately and I bet it's a new chapter of my life I guess. Yesterday, after having a small prayer activity on our old house something did happen. It's not anything serious though but it really makes me happy and wondering at the same time. So, there's a guy that I had crush on started to follow me on Instagram. Okay, I know it's not gonna sounds exciting for you but for me, yes like I want to scream. Scream on the top of my lung. Unfortunately, the timing was not right for me to scream because it was late at night and I might get scolded. I'm not gonna tell you his name but I would describe his physical roughly. He's 170 cm something, love sports especially futsal, yes he's a tanak wagu, his skin somehow almost tan color because he love outdoor activity. He had a round eyes, slight dimple on both of his cheeks, his smile somehow can kill me immediately. HAHA. Joke lang ha. Sometimes I'm having trouble to describe people that I had crush on because I rarely look at them and staring at his picture might sounds creepy. I'm hoping for something better. You know what I mean right? I admit that I'm kind of greedy when it comes to certain things but him, I just can't. Coz, I've always end up on one sided love coz I ain't pretty enough to make them choose me. Instead of crying, I choose to move on. It's better that way.

Unrequited Love Story

It's August and my holiday soon to be over. I had pretty much 2 or 3 weeks more of holiday. New semester is about to begin which I'll becoming a 3rd year senior on my 2nd semester. How time flies and I noticed that myself is growing to be more and more mature. I'm seeing all things not only on one perspective but many. I also learn how to tolerate or should I say dealing with people. At uni life, my job not only studying but also dealing with many people such as lecturer, other students and more. But, there's one thing I find it hard to manage is my financial. It's hard to resist things like sales, makeup stuff and foods. Gosh, I'm like going crazy whenever I passed by all the shop on the mall. Okay, so I did tell you guys about this particular guy that gives me warm feeling right? There's a story about him now. Couple days ago, he appeared on my dream. he told me that he finally have someone that he likes and at the same time he's having a hard time whether he wanted to choose me or the other one. Frankly, I never wanted to be a second choice.. If you really love me, choose me then. I'm done being the second option. I guess I'm not good enough for them. This unrequited love story yet fantasy kinda love is boring and unsure. How can you trust everything based on your dream? tell me. Why I always had a conversation with him only in my dream? it's sound suspicious don't you think?  so I decided to forget about it and move on. Believe me, I once find myself convincing about all the dream. I did pray. I'm not sure whether the dream are from God or it's just my wish to see him in my dreams. My mind kinda messed up right now. I hate making decision when the moment is not right. you know what I mean. I said this to my sister, ' if he's getting married with someone else, I will be so sad and crumbling on my room for days.' I'm so into him and I've never ever so into on a guy like this. There's no other guy could give me the warm feeling just the way he does it.  Why life has to be like this? I should choose to be happy right? Please, happiness come to meee. 

11 DAYS, FEELINGS & FALLING APART

So, I knew this guy from Facebook. He added me month ago. I believed he saw my Facebook account from his ex. He’s so young and dumb. Yes, dumber than I expected. He even younger than my baby brother. I never thought that i would date someone younger than my baby brother. He’s 19 ladies and gentlemen. He’s such a bad boy. Believe me, I don’t even like to him. I’d agree to date him because I just need a person who can send me some lovey dovey chats. I know I’m being cruel. I bet he’s doing the same thing as I am. I would never obey to him. I know the good and bad thing in this temporary world because I’m older. He just an immature guy. Sometimes, he didn’t even understand what I’m saying. He laughed at me and said that I’m weird. I believe he’s calling me stupid. Well, I’m glad I left him. I did make up some stupid excuses so break the relationship. I don’t feel any sparks. Never I guess. 11 days was great but 1 thing for sure, he’s still lingers on all over my social media account. Funny thing is, i can’t get him out of my mind. We broke up yesterday. Honestly, I don’t feel anything at all, at all. Nope! I guess my feeling is dead. I used to crush this guy, but now I don’t even think of him. He just an hopeless case. I did move on from him because he only existed in my dream. But in reality, we rarely met. He probably won’t remember me. We are living not far from each other neighborhood but we never bumped into each other. I guess I take that as a no from god. Perhaps, I’m not meant to be with anybody. Surprisingly it’s already august. I have 1 month left of holidays. Seriously, I just give it all to God. About money for instance. I just want to run away from everything. I’m just too tired to face anything that comes. Lord, I gave up long time ago but the journey still on and it almost end  I hope.

Second choice, random thoughts and whatever!

Honestly, I always been into this kind of situation where people always put me on their list but end up choosing someone else instead of me. Some of the jerks gave some stupid excuses by saying that they felt afraid to choose me just because I'm an Anemic. Those tiny brains just being nice and tried to make up stupid excuses. The truth is they would love to have a skinny girlfriend. Well, as thick girl living in Asian country where most of the girls are skinny, have a fair skin and intelligent would be sucks. While me, being called fat, ugly and stupid by some people. Here, in my country, people are so competitive ( on being fair). I believed each country had their own definition of beauty. In Asian country, it is a mandatory to have a fair skin, skinny and more. Why I said it's mandatory? this is because there's tons of beauty products that focus only on whitening skin. Every people in here are crazy over being fair or being skinny. I'm not saying being skinny is a bad idea but some people just can't lose weight easily. Eating healthy food could cost a fortune but no all. I know that not all people is suitable for one way of dieting. Our metabolism can be fast or slow. Our body condition is different and so do their expenses or perhaps their lifestyle or health condition. Some people are lucky to born healthy but some don't. Like me, since I was a little, I suffered an asthma. Many years after that, I was diagnose as an Anemic. My mother's family has problem with their skin condition and most of them would having a psoriasis, eczema and so on. No doubt about it, I'm also having one of those. I'm trying so hard to remove it but still having it for years. It really effecting my self esteem to be straightforwardly. I think I might having a pre-depression. This is the worst year ever where I didn't care about my studies, skipped the class for the entire semester ( some class only) and I have less friend. I can't coop up with others. I often felt left out, wanted to go back to my room and hating group work. I'm losing my motivation in studies. I hate it. I wanted to run away. Missing home so much. The worst feeling ever! I thought about suicide before but it's just stupid idea. Despite of all this, I just want someone to hold to, someone to lean on, someone to miss whenever it's rainy days, someone that will be there for you when all thing starts to fall apart, someone can make your day after having such an exhausted freaking day or when you're having mood swings, or someone who is appreciate your presence, will love you endlessly, accepting all the flaws and the imperfection. But, I know this is such an impossible case or I must say it is a hopeless case. Back to reality, I'm just an ordinary girl who loves to eat, to sleep, enjoy doing nothing during holidays, love to write or type on her blog but doesn't have a good grammar ( at least I've tried my best ), love to sing, love music, an old soul who'll never fit in this millennial era, still a virgin also loving the moonshine, having an awkward smile, weirdly nerd and being called smart but the truth is vice versa. Dumb is the clue. 

How big is your comfort zone?

Lately, I've been doing things that completely out of my comfort zone. I admit that it felt great to get out from it for a while. Everything seems new to me and it's like a roller coaster ride. I'm having acrophobia and I hate getting on a plane. Sit beside the window of the plane can be worst for me. I felt like dying at first, my hands started to sweat, my foot cold as ice, my head is spinning and I can't breathe properly. I know I shouldn't let that conquered me. I'm still learning to handle it. Sometimes I pick a seat near the window and I felt good to see the clouds that almost similar to cotton candy. It was pink and white as if I was in a cotton candy heaven. I know it's lame but that's why I felt. Maybe it is the new way to manage the phobia. Who knows right? Okay, I had a dream last night. I'm not sure whether it was good or bad but it was about my crush. Seems like he asked me to go to the gym and lose weight. Yes, I know I'm fat. But I also having a plan to do the weight lose challenge between me and my sister. There's a person who keep asking me when will I lose weight, you look great if you are skinny and blah blah blah.. I know it's important to take care of physical appearance but let me focus one thing first, study. It's been a hell semester for me now. I'm having exams and soon going back to my hometown. The price for flight ticket is soaring high because of Eid this end of the month and that counts as holiday since it is a celebration. How big is my comfort zone? this question somewhat makes me think twice. Did I really thought about it? Or I just slowly expand the zone. Making friends might influenced our comfort zone. For instance, I'm such a timid person. Public speaking is a big no no for me but the more friends I had, the more braver I've gotten. This may sounds weird to you but it really happens on me. My comfort zone keep on expanding because of my surrounding and people. I basically live in a new city for the past 3 years. I'm grateful for this kind of experience. I did changed a lot. More independent, still struggling to manage my own financial (HAHA), failed to eat clean, closer to God, still into him and many more. The transformation is not only for physically but also mentally. 

Almost~

I still remember about this incident. It was few years ago, before I entered to University. I met a guy through online. At first, I'm so excited knowing that I finally have someone to chat with because during that time me and my ex were broke up. So, basically the online guy was some kind of temporary excitement. Sounds cruel right? but I'm just trying to be honest. We started pretty well. He added me on Facebook. He send me a private message. He said " Hi there, I think I know you because we  went to the same elementary school but I was your super senior." I replied to him and said " Hi too. oh, really? I didn't remember you at all." This is because I'm just an ordinary student who tried to survive in school. It was Chinese school. I had to learn everything in Chinese language except for Bahasa Melayu & English subjects. It was hard and I had few horrible memories there and one of them I was beaten by my homeroom teacher. She uses a cane and hit on my palm for 21 times. I just couldn't remember the essay. She asked us to memorize it during morning class and the afternoon we had tuition class with the same teacher. I just can't memorize it well. It was all the Chinese character. Gosh. That kind of punishment makes me a better person ( I can memorize more lyric after that. HAHA. it has nothing to do with Chinese character) Sadly, that fierce homeroom teacher passed away couple years ago. She just too old. I bet it's time for her. Okay, back on track. that online guy being friendly to me. Suddenly, we've became so much closer than ever. There's an app that named Wechat. He's asking for my ID and added me there. Surprisingly, nearly every day we've been chat. Yes, we had good morning, good night and 3 am talk. We're being lovey-dovey. We've been go out for 3 times. He told me everything that cross on his mind. No secrets between us. The chemistry was there. The spark started to have a lot of smoke. Even if he's busy during the day, he still managed to call or send a chat. He used his office phone to call me and tell that he missed me. Everything was fine until he told me that he had a crush on other girl. After that, he rarely send a chat and ignoring me. Turned out to be he already confess his love towards that girl. How shocking that was for me. The girl was giving him hard time because that girl just broke up with her bf. I forgot to mention that the online guy also having the same situation like the girl. Basically, the 3 of us were in the same situation. I know it's sucks but we were not officially dating but he broke my heart. I'm falling into pieces. We stop sending chats when we were having quite a fight. He even went to my house just because he wanted to apologize. He used to tell me that he can't forget me. Till now, whenever he bumped into my mother somewhere he definitely will ask about me. He did love me but he loves her more. That was the only almost I ever had. I hate being the almost girl. What's the point then? he wasted my time. I even made a dessert for him and he did love it. Well, I refused to start any relationship now because I'm only end up being the almost girl again. No date, no pain. That's all.

Dear no one, here's a letter for you~

Dear future love, 

         How are you? I hope all things around you went well. How's your day today? How's school? or How's work? How's your family? Can't wait to know them. The reason I wrote this letter is I wanted to tell you that no matter how hard I am with you on the future please just bear with me. I noticed lately people tend to cheat on their partner. Well, social media has been expanding day by day. Many apps been created or made. I'm sure communication is not a problem or perhaps it is the reason people cheat on their partner. I don't know about you but I really enjoy 3 am conversation. I'm quite an introvert myself. I'm not saying that I hate small talk but honest talk would be awesome. I love coffee so much but I had migraine and need to cut off my caffeine intake per day. I'm not sure if it's true but I been reading this article about O blood type need to take control on their caffeine intake. So, I'm just doing it for the sake that I'm an O blood type. How about you? are you tea person or a coffee person? or perhaps you hate caffeinated drinks? Frankly, a relationship is not what I need for now. I just want to learn to embrace myself, build some confidence, try to eat clean and getting a good grades. I'm hoping that I can graduate on 2018. I would love to have you by my side now but I'm afraid you will walk away from me. I'm a girl with plenty of flaws. I'm not people's first choice. I'm the fat girl. I'm that last person people choose to be with. Sometimes, people refuse to be friends with me. But, never mind because quality is the only thing that matters. I really love being in small circle of people where I really know them, growing our faith together in Christ, having fellowship not only on Sunday but also on certain weekdays like Wednesday. I really enjoy being in Christian community. Somehow, that is almost like my comfort zone. How about you? how's the people on your surrounding? is it good? or vice versa? which church are you attending? How's your Sunday? the truth is I can't wait to meet you. I swear I'll be good to you, be there for you, be extremely proud to have you in my life, be the girl that you will love for the rest of your life, care for you of course! ut most importantly, love me for who I am. Again, I'm not perfect either looks or physically or mentally. HEHE. Kidding though. I'm that plain Jane. I don't have any special skills to attract people's attention. I'm not even good at talking. I'm really a shy person. I hate going on stage, do presentation or anything that makes me speak in front of crowd. But, thankfully I managed to have friends. Don't worry, I'm good being alone but it doesn't mean I didn't need you. I always need someone to be there for me. I'm might look tough but I always cry during the night before I go to sleep. This is because everything seems so hard for this semester. Right now is my 5th semester and I have 2 more to go. I really losing all the motivation to study, I hate going to class, feeling down, financial and family problems. I even thought about suicide. But, I know suicide doesn't fix anything. I always be thankful to God because of HIS love and mercy towards us the sinner. My mother sacrifice all of her just to make sure I can go to University. I can't be selfish. Right? Still, everything seems hopeless. I just want it to end faster. I wanna go home. I want to be with my family. Love, I almost tell you everything about me. Is it terrible? I bet you'll call me crazy or a girl that having a lot of issues. I can't lie to you. I don't want you end up not knowing my true self. I have so many things inside my head but I only speak what's really important. Through writing, I can throw it all in this website. My starter pack is listening to music, mood and type. Dear future love, I just wanna tell you that I will bother you a lot, madly in love with you, being whiny, being childish, being dumb, being weird, being hungry all the time and this is because I'm really comfortable with you or being with you.  You should prepare yourself too because I'm not that easy. Hope to meet you soon. Take care. Blessings!

Love,

Your future love

xoxo.

 

Thank You for Loving ME.

This week supposed to be study week for me because next week I have exams! Gosh. I'm so not ready for exam and guess what I have 8 papers. Yes, 8 papers! I have only 1 week to study all that. Can't wait to go home and meet them. Missing home since forever! Especially my little brother. While ago, I'm having dinner with my roommate. We just cooked it on rice cooker. I cook some omelet and rice. Suddenly, we talked about our ex. Frankly, I did miss that skinny guy a lot. I still care for him but ex is ex and nothing will change. While sipping my green tea, I just realized that I haven't said proper gratitude for those who loves me dearly especially my mother and the other family members. Most importantly, my savior Jesus Christ. HE loves me unconditionally. Thank You Lord. You're the best! Of course, him the ex too. We've been together for almost 4 years. He did loved me, appreciated me and cared for me. I would like to say thank you very much for the love, time and money. I probably wouldn't be here or not even strong enough to face anything in this world. I'm so grateful to have such people that loves me so much. Also, my daddy in heaven, thank you for the everything in the past. You're my hero, my king and the first man that I love. Even though you left us early but we'll always remember you till now. 18 years is a long period of time. But, I still remember the way you speak, how your coffee taste like, your shirts and many more. Silly me, I'd even saw your face on stranger that rode motorcycle during kindergarten. That shows how I still can't accept the fact that you were gone. From now on, I will learn how to appreciate people in my life whether at the good times or bad.

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?

I'm an introvert girl who's trying to be friend with many people as many as possible even though it's hard because I often felt awkward to start a conversation with a person. My mother used to scold me because I'm not friendly enough towards people. Most of my friends will say the same damn thing about my first impression to them. They would say that I'm arrogant, the quiet one, the Chinese girl who can't speak in Bahasa, and so on. Well, I'm opposite of the quiet one, the arrogant but I have to agree about having Chinese face. HAHA. I can speak in mandarin and cantonese a bit. I have different race of friends now. Thanks to Uni life, I managed to get as many friends as I can. But, not all of them are true friends. They always stay by my side when I'm happy, but by the time when I was sad, stress, sick or needed someone to there, almost all of them are disappear. I'm not going to mention their name one by one. I'm not that cruel. I'm just started to realize about it's not about quantity but quality. True friend stay with us even if there is a storm coming because they know that there will be sunshine and rainbow afterward. Certain people might think that having a friend is quite troublesome but it's worthy because they really appreciate the friendship that they have with you. My favorite quality about my best friend is honesty, understanding, kind hearted and not judgemental. I will not mention her name here due to privacy matter. I'm really happy to finally had a best friend that actually understands me, being a listener, advisor, a shield, a comic relief and many more. I can talk to her about many stuff. She had been through the similar thing as me. She had the same way of perspective on each argument or opinion. She also an energy provider. I'm glad to have her as my best friend also my roommate for almost 2 years. 

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

This question kind of similar to the previous question. Well, I probably would say that my sister is that one person in this world that knows me best and worst. She's not like other sister like everyone else had. She's insecure, lazy, timid, not feminine at all and can sing well. We're 3 years apart. We only share clothes when we were small. I always end up wearing her dress (mostly). This is because she was born second then me the middle child. Growing up, we're quite closed to each other. She went through many things then I do such as period. She did teach me how to use pad during period. Explain to me things that happens during period, what to avoid, what to wear and etc. She's like my second mother. My mother always busy with her work. As usual, she'll leave early to work then came home around 4 pm. We only met each other during the night and of course she'll sleep earlier that everyone. So, I wasn't really independent before because I used to depend on my sister. I will ask her anything that bother my mind. I still done it until now. These days, technology has been upgraded. We just chat through Whatsapp. When it comes to guy problem, she's the one that provide answer to my question. Even though, I am quite rude to her but she's slowly get used to it. I can speak politely o her. I don't know why. I'm just being me. Sometimes, I cursed more than actually speak to her. HAHA. Sorry. I know I'm rude but she did like it. If I speak politely, she immediately asked what's wrong with me. I did respect her no matter in what condition. She still my sister. Blood is thicker than water I must say. Family is everything to me. I will never put anyone else other that my family and God. Once again, my sister is the person who knows me best. That girl knows me better than anyone else in my family. 

Ex Syndrome.

I did tell you before that he's coming back right? Yes. He is coming back in my life at the time I am at my lowest point in life right now. I lose all of my motivation to study and be better this semester. I lose myself. I'm battling with the new me now. I hate being like this suddenly. Knowing that he's making his come back this month, I always be insecure. What if I accept him back? what if he did love me but refuse to accept my flaws? what if he's the one? These thoughts really bother me lately. Somehow, I find myself trying so hard to grab his attention. Why would I done something like that? I left him before. I was the one hurting. I was the one being replaced by some girl that is way better that me. Why should I want his attention? What for? I firmly say to everyone that I would never accept him back in my life. But my heart said yes. Give him another chance and grab as much attention so that he realize that I was the girl that he's been looking for. I know, it's dumb. I already throw him out of my life but now I'm trying to pick it up. Again? Gloria, he's the one who doesn't love you and accept you wholeheartedly. Why bother to pick him up again? He's just like useless junk. It will make your life miserable as the old days. I have this eerie feeling whenever I'm with him. I always felt timid when I'm with him. His friends keep mocking me by saying that I'm fat and ugly. Those evil friends of his always tried to separate us. My head really messed up during this semester. I don't want to have any attachment or commitment. I need a break. Everything happened to fast and I couldn't catch up really quick. I'm such a laid back person and hate to rush on everything. I want him but and the same time I don't want him enter my life again. I don't want him being part of my routine where I need to text him every morning or saying good night before sleep. Sigh. How I miss that but no. Wanting him back is wrong Gloria, totally wrong! You are fine without him. Being alone and independent is your goals. I always dream to have my own apartment and cat. Having steady job and my favorite car. Be strong!

Mother.

Mother is someone or a person who loves us more than anything in this word. A person that sacrifice a lot to make sure that we are growing up well. A person can do multitasking job. She can be anything that we wanted her to be. She's our teacher, our best friend, our doctor, our nurse and many more. I personally had a supermom. She plays both mother and father during me and my siblings growing up. She had to juggle between working and taking care of us. She's not perfect or she's not strong enough to handle all things at once. She's exhausted, she's crying in the middle of the night when all of us were sleeping soundly. She had no one to talk to because she act strong in front of her family. She poured everything in her small and old journal. She hid somewhere on her drawer. I saw it before and it was so sad. She lost her husband right after 10 years of their marriage. She had 5 kids. The first one still 10 years old and the younger one still 2 years old. I still remember it clearly, it happened when I was 5 years old. Sadly, I couldn't understand any of it. the funeral was held 3 days straight at our home back in Indah Jaya. That place really bring out all the memory. My little brother was born there, we bought our first car after many years of struggling and etc. Above all, she's such an amazing mother to me. She taught me how to be independent, to cook, to be a person with a good heart, she taught me that it's okay to be ordinary, it's okay to be yourself, she also taught me to be a stubborn, she taught me to never cry if a guy left me, she taught me how to be firm in every decision that I'll make, she taught me everything that I didn't know. She's my idol, my most favorite teacher, my queen, my chef and many more. I just wanted to tell you, Mummy, you are the greatest gift that God ever give me, I'm always be thankful to God because HE choose you to be my mother. I'm sorry for not being a great daughter. Someday, I'll make you proud! Happy mother's day! I love you more that anything in this world.

Love,
From your middle child.

9. Who are your closest to in your family? Why?

For me, family always come first. I have mother, 1 elder brother, 1 elder sister and 2 younger brother. So if includes me then, we are 6 people in total. I'm the middle child and always get tired by my sibling's drama. The fact that just found on the internet about middle child is quite impressive. Here it is ; Middle children are great negotiators. A study conducted by Jason Kaufman and Daniel Eckstein in 2012 on the role of birth order in personality found that since middle kids usually have to find a way out between the oldest and youngest children from early on, they turn out to be articulate in proving their point. Okay, let's focus on the question. I'm not sure but I have my own favorite person in my family. I mean my family mother and siblings , relatives are not included. I'm super closed with my mother. I basically told her everything on my mind except my grades. HAHA. She'll kill me if she know the truth about how dumb can I be. Second person that I'm really closed is my one and only sister. She really understands me. She knew how bad and good I am. She the only creature that I told literally everything. Even about my CGPA, my current crush, my bank account balance and so on. Even though she's not feminine enough but she still soft at heart. Yeah, I know she's kind of brutal and looks wild but she's totally a good person. I knew her and growing up with her is fun except the fact that I'll be the one who always do chores, cook and etc. My mother rarely cooks for us because she always busy with her work and came home late and leave too early to work every morning. But, above all, I'm close with all of my family member. No matter how hard we used to fight. Family comes first.

My kind of 10 May

Today is a public holiday. I woke up on 11 am because last night was a tiring day for me. Joining a singing competition for Dusun language is hard. Pronunciation and everything. Just too tired. So, I just laying on my bed and sit in front of my laptop all day is quite relaxing for me at least. I know my eyes is sleepy all the time because of this kind of routine. I still haven't check if any assignment need to be done this week. I just too tired of everything. I did tell you guys before that I had boyfriend. That boyfriend became my ex for almost 5 years now I guess. I'm kind of in shock when I saw his name appeared on my Instagram story line. I bet he's curious about what's going on in my life now. since he just broke up with his latest girl *evil laugh* I know I shouldn't be laughing but I can't help myself from it. Sorry. I know I'm being mean but serves his right. Past few years, I was the who ended the relationship because he's being a jerk. After that, I never looked back and choose to forget things. I'd cut my hair short and entered University. I felt so good and I'm proud to say that I'm be able do live without him. Today, I felt a bit strange. Seems like my heart says that I should give him another chance. Is it worthy? or is it because I feel lonely? I'm so confused. As much as I hate him, I never wanted to forget him. Some people might say remember bad things that he already done towards you. Yes, being with him always make me felt insecure about my body. He did love me but not the whole me. When I thought about it, I never wanted to face the same problem as the old days. He had a lot of flaws but so do I am.  I choose the accept and embrace his flaw while him keep asking me to change and become someone else. Why? I'm just so disappointed. As a young Gloria back on 2009, she just want to be beautiful she goes but he doesn't find that I' beautiful in my on way. Choices can always be made, the most importantly be wiser.

Type of guy that already been in my list before

During the whole 23 years old of living, as a girl who haven't explore many aspect in life yet but the world of relationship seems familiar to her. There will be several types of guy that I have met before or must I say I've been crush on. 

1. The Jock

Back in primary school, I knew this guy for quite some time. He's the jock for basketball. I went to Chinese primary school and yes basketball is the main sports there other than ping pong. He's good looking, tall, charming smile, popular (among everyone), speak mandarin very well ( because he doesn't even had Chinese blood at all) , he had a sister which also popular among guys, tan skin and have an impressing grades. Who doesn't wanted a guy like that? He's the most popular guy and last for couple years because he's so good at it. I mean basketball of course. Back then I was so curious and fortunately I managed to get to know him through his sister which me and her sister had same age but different class. Mine was Class A and his sister Class B. I'm just happen to be in Class A from primary 1 till 6. But I swear I wasn't the famous of the smartest student in that class. I'm still dumb and love to laugh out loud yet be thankful enough to be there. So, he's so perfect I must say. For the first time I'd talk to him, he's so friendly and open. He even remember my name and will say 'hi' every time he saw me anywhere in school. I was so fond and started to be one of his cheerleader during his games. He did appreciate it and say thank you for coming or thank you for supporting my team but the truth is I was there because of him. HAHA. As the years goes by, he suddenly open up about a girl. That girl was my friend. She and I rode the same school bus. So, he asked for help. He really wanted to know her. For the sake of my crush, I did help him. At the end, they liked each other and he went crazy for that girl. After that, I decided to move on because I bet still now he still crazy or that girl. 

2. The Mama's Boy

I met this guy after I decided to move on from the jock. I know I'm moving too fast but I met him at the church. He's the first guy I ever fond for to long. 8 or 9 years I guess. Frankly, he is my type. All of it. All the imperfection just makes me adore him more and more. He's 2 years older than me. He's the only son that his parents had. Which means he had 4 sister. My mother once said that never choose a guy that had a lot of sister because they can go against you. But, I never listen to her. My heart and mind seems get along for the first time. Again, he's tall, fair, quite good looking, popular among girls,brainy, can play music instrument and most importantly he's Christian. I'm actually having a hard time when I had a crush on him because there's a girl that capture his attention first. What I want to say is the girl is one of the closest person during that days. I was so dumb and told her about him, about my feeling to him. She end up liking that guy and be close to each other. Man, I was like been betray by her. My heart crushed and I slowly develop my hate towards her. At first, this guy doesn't know my existence but thanks to that girl, he finally knows that there's a girl named Gloria existed in that church. Honestly, we almost never talk to each other until now. He's choose to neglect my existence and even remove me from his Facebook friend list. He happened to know about my feelings from that lucky girl. She told him from A to Z and even gave my number to him. During that time, that lucky girl already ha another boyfriend and suddenly decided to "help" me by telling him about my feelings towards him. We did chat a bit through phone. I may sounded desperate but I did like him very much and decided not to be intimidate by it. But still, he never liked me back and keep on having various girls in his life. Until now, he still not over his ex and still a mama's boy. His mother keep mentioning his name whenever she saw me. Some how, I was confused and wonder what actually that she's trying to mean by it. At the end, I choose to let go. He will always be the person my heart. Strangely, I will know when he's single and available because he's appeared in my dreams. He always know that I'm single and maybe always ready to love him, Unfortunately, that's all in the past. Farewell.

3. The Coffee Lover Guy

I knew this guy before I had any crush on anyone else. His mother introduced us both. I still remember the good old days. I was a bubbly girl and he was the quiet with a friendly smile boy. He's 6 years older than me. He always away from home and I barely knew about him because of that. He's always been an independent since primary. He's a good looking guy with a smile that can makes me melt, like to travel the world, a marathoner, love's his coffee, good in cooking and baking, family oriented guy, friendly, a mature guy and he's Christian. I met him couple times during holidays such as Chinese Lunar New Year, Harvest festival and Christmas. I adore him from the moment I met him. It's the weird feeling I ever had. But choose to ignore it until that one day his mother mentioned about arranged marriage. She was so worried about her elder son still haven't settle down while his sister is way ahead him now. I never ever ever ever thought about liking him or being one of the candidate for that arranged marriage thing. You know why? because I just broke up with my ex for one month during that time. Of course his mother knew that I am single and available. I wasn't expect that I would be one of his candidate. His mother began to check out on me every time at the church. Until, I suddenly fell for him. Physically at first because I never talk to him before. After awhile, he open a cafe at my hometown which is his hometown too. This may sound cliché to you but I did talk to God about how much I wanted to know him and wish he is living near. Then, I believe God actually listen and he finally went back to our hometown and started a cafe here. He lived 3 miles from my old neighborhood. Surprisingly, we did move to a new neighborhood last December. Which somewhere near his neighborhood. I'm speechless. I just wish I can meet him everyday. I really get jealous for the people who can met him everyday. My family knew about this because his mother and my mother quite closed to each other. She always asked about how am I doing, when will I go back to Sabah and so on.  Frankly, I really want to sit with him at his coffee shop and talk about random things. I want to know how his point of view about the world, about people, about all kind of things. I was curious how he see the world. I still remember the day that I actually met him after many years of stalking him at social media. Admiring his picture on Instagram and Facebook. See the detail of his face throughout his picture. One fine Sunday, I knew he went to our church for evening service before fly back to our hometown. He stood there and smile as if he knew me so well. I felt to grateful on that day and I did smile towards him and enter the church. His sister even asked me to sit along with them. My heart pounding like crazy, my feet freakin' cold because I was nervous and don't know how to act. Thankfully, I can handle it very well on that day. He's so impressed when he knew that I'm taking Spanish language at University. Our little talk end so fast because he's rushing to go to airport. For the first time, he shakes my hand and wish me good luck for study. I swear the butterflies on my stomach went wild, my heart stops beating for a second. I still can't forget his warm hand and his sweet smile. My feelings for him grew stronger each day. He did appear in my dreams couple times. Last semester break, I was so determined. I told my brother that I wanted to go to his cafe and meet him too. Even if we live nearby, but it's hard to meet him because he was so busy and he went to other church on Sunday. The day before Valentine, finally God allowed me to go there. When we arrived, the shop was so quiet and no one there except for his worker. His worker warmly greet us and gave us the menu. I ordered a vanilla latte, nachos and chicken pie. I was a bit disappoint because he wasn't there. Few minutes later, I heard the door was open. I sat facing back from the door while my brother vise versa. He quickly approached our table and started a conversation. He thought my brother brought his girlfriend to his cafe. When he saw me, he smiles. Amazingly, he did remember me. We had a quite long conversation. He did asked me to speak Spanish for him. We laughed at the same stupid jokes, his eyes fixed towards mine. I can feel that he's standing closer to me. He such a great guy. His buff biceps and charming smile. Gosh! I really can't sleep well during the night. I was contented. I thank God for the day. Finally I can talk to him about random things on his coffee shop. I can felt the chemistry between us. We get along really fast and he so focused whenever I talk. But, now still on prayer. I just pray for the best and let God decide. 

To be continued..

Love this song!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UQzJfsT2eo&spfreload=10

Strong girl but cries a lot. Strong girl who had a good friend.

Personally, I had these idea to write during me and my roommate shared about something just now. She is a strong girl I ever known for years. She had 6 sibling including her. She had 2 brothers and 3 sisters. She was the second and she is the big sister for her sisters and brother. She lost her mother about 6 years ago. Her mother suffered a weird illness since teenage years. Her mother had a twin sister and also had the same illness. I can't shared detail because I respect her privacy. Okay, so moving on to my roommate. She's studying Anthropology. Anthropology is basically study about humans, such as culture, behavior and many more. First of all, I would like to apologize because I didn't know much about her field of study. I study language and linguistics. Completely different but still can relate a bit I guess. I can't tell you her name. Again, she didn't know that I write about her. Sorry girl! :p she always been lovely, noisy and fun. She acted strong even if she had a family problem. I knew she wanted to cry a lot whenever she shared about it. I saw her teary eyes and her body language tried so hard to avoid that teary eyes to fall. There's one time when we went to a fellowship at one place. The person asked us to draw a person's face that had been giving you a great impact in life. Happily, she drew my face. I also drew her face but ugly version of her because I can't draw well. Drawing sucks! HAHA! I'm the first person to share and I told them how we actually met and everything. Then, couple of people continuing the same thing. Until finally it's her turn. She spoke shyly and suddenly she burst into tears. Her face gone red as the beet and her eyes is wet. She tries so hard to make it stop and covers it with the small drawing paper. Yes, she cries and laugh at the same time. She so weird but I love her anyway :) she was so grateful to have me as her friend. I'm tremendously touched as if I wanted to join her crying party but I can't. Because my crush is there and keep watching like I'm a criminal. Sigh. I never had such friendship before. Best friend term used to be common in my dictionary but now I feel like I only had fewer friends and it's only temporary. I can classify her as my best friend even though we only met 2 years ago and we still counting :) She's the only person who really appreciate me as her friend and so do I. I really bad at public speaking but writing is like my weapon. I can kill you with my writing. HEHE. ( It's a joke, chill!) I'm an introvert person but so many things in mind.  I choose to write instead of speak. I choose to appreciate people who appreciate me too. The girl is strong but she cries a lot during the night. Some strong girl would hide themselves inside their favorite blanket and pour it out. Pour out the sadness, sorrow and heartbreak which they had been bottled up inside their heart and mind for a long time. Sometimes, she forgot how to fight but her friend will help her to fight her demons. A good friend which hard to find. A good friend which had the same value as an expensive and rare gem inside the mine. A good friend which is enough to make her day happy. A good friend which having the same situation as hers. A good friend which once went through heartbreak and heal by time and the love of God. A good friend which she can count on. A good friend she can lean on and can lend her shoulder for her to cry. A good friend which can keep her secret and never spill it out. A good friend which can provide a good advice and help. A good friend which pray for her.  A good friend which her only friend that she can called best friend and I called her soulmate :)

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

I really into this question and can't wait to share it with you. What decade do I feel I most belong in? I would say 80's or 90's. Frankly, I don't know why but millennials somehow didn't suit me or I find it hard to fit it. All things seems went faster than ever. The music is great but the lyric is meaningless     (or should I say trashy). For those people that really know about me, they would know that I would choose old song instead of these days songs. I really love it and I always wanted to buy a record player or turntable for my own and listen to Bee Gees, The Beatles, Diana Ross, Celine Dion, Lionel Richie or Richard Marx. While blogging and coffee-ing, I would probably sing a long. Damn. What a dream! HAHA! Well, about 80's or 90's fashion, I'm impressed how people can wear it everyday. I mean look at those dresses, pants, socks or shoes or perhaps hairdo and also makeup. A lot of effort! But these days, eyebrows and lips are so important. Everyone wanted a pair of perfect eyebrows, eyelashes or make their lips plump. So that they can look good in make up or they can finally look alike from the picture that media has been posted lately. We are tend to make things complicated and made media our role model or our source of knowledge or maybe media is the god now. People would rather trust the media. Please, media is only about people's opinion. Yes, we do need other people's opinion but not in every single thing. All human kind had their own knowledge level or personal view. It depends on how their environment, mind set, education level, nationality, age or religion. People nowadays keep posting about how good the weed are or 520 or whatever but it's only good for the people who needed it for medication purpose only. They said it's okay to be a stoner because it is part of the trend but other people doesn't think the same way as you does. Okay, I think it is a wrap.

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

Honestly, this kind of question makes me think too much. Again, the use of word 'one' makes me greedy. I mean, as I live till today, there's nothing special to be done each day. Unless if there's any special occasion to be celebrate such as holidays, birthdays and more. I did experience almost dead situation once so I think I might can imagine what is like to have one day to live. I did write any a before dead wishlist or bucket list. Don't ask me why because I really and never thought about it. Well, perhaps I can pretend to have one then. Okay, first thing that I'll do is eat all the expensive food. Second, confess to my recent crush. Yup, I know it's lame but I really wanted to do it but since maybe I'm going to die then I should confess and make him come to my funeral. HAHA. Third, wear a dress or a cloth that I never tried before. Fourth, singing with a band in front of the unknown crowd and sing old song only. Fifth, get a small tattoo. Sixth, burn all of my books because I hate when people will only put it inside the box and throw it away. Seventh, color my hair into pastel pink. I swear I'm obsessed with that color. Eighth, kill my ex. ( HAHA. relax, it was a joke!) I just wanted to slap him in the face because he was a jerk during our relationship and make him cry during my funeral. (evil laugh). Ninth, take a good picture with family and I will hug each one of them and also I will tell them how much I love them. Tenth, tell my closest friends that I love them and appreciate each of them. That's all!

6. If You Could Change One Thing About Yourself What Would It Be?

One thing? I don't think one thing is enough to satisfy myself or can make myself better. Okay, I'll try to cut down all of it and make it to one thing. But honestly, there's one thing in my mind that always bother me before I sleep. FYI, I'm that one person who always think about silly things before I go to bed and sometimes get insomnia because I think too much (hello! an overthinker here). This is way too personal to share but I think it's okay since I get better now. I wish I can be healthy like anyone else so that I can erase all the bad memories that I had. I hate being hospitalized. I hate that I need to eat medicine everyday, I hate that I feel tired all the time. My heart palpitation went crazy because it was the effect from the medicine that I took. I hate that I can play basketball like the old days. I was an athlete back then during my primary school. I used to be on a team where our couch was proud to have me as their shooter since I was tallest among my teammate. But the truth is, I'm only 158 cm. (harsh truth) Okay, I get it. I really miss the good old days. I went to training every weekend. I learn to take bus and be brave to accept the challenge where we were having basketball tournament. It was really fun, having new friends and went to other school and observed the way they played and their strategy. Sadly, we lost during the semi final but it was a wonderful experience for me and my teammate. Do sports did teach me to be more discipline and love myself even more.

5. Who Do You Think Has Had The Largest Influence On The Person You Are Today?

Who do you think? Well, for me the person is my mother. The closest person in my life and she's the most toughest person I've ever met. The thing is my father passed away way too soon and my older brother still in primary school during that time. Okay, let's focus on the main character here which is my mother. She's the most independent women. She always told us about how and where she was growing up. She came from a small village that called Kamansi, Sabah. She used to row on a boat and sold banana or any other fruits that can be eaten because that's the way she can earned money to buy food at the school canteen. She also told us that the food used to be so cheap. The fried noodle inside the plastic was only RM 0.05. She did told us that she lived far from m grandparents because the school way to far from their house so she moved in to her elder brother's place. Funny thing is, her sister-in-law used to hate her and make her to do the house chores. But now, they seem get along. Thank God. HAHA. There's one story that my mother told me about her sister-in-law that totally change my perspective or the way I looked or treated my aunt. My mother really remembers all the thing during her growing up journey. She told me that her sister-in-law was evil and refused to give her pocket money to school. My uncle was way more older than my mother. He got married at the very young age but during that time, he managed to find a job. He's a teacher. Furthermore, she went to school by walking for miles and hours. I'm so amazed how people really appreciate the good things that they had and they are willing to sacrifice just to gain knowledge. Not like nowadays, people like me doesn't know how to appreciate the accommodation that has been well prepared. My mother used to say that all of the circumstance that she had during growing up was actually molding her to be the person that she'd become today. She's stronger that any person in this world yet she had a soft heart but not fragile. I still can heard her voice in my head. This words keep repeating inside my mind. She said ' Gayle (my nickname), never trust men 100%, we are women and we are strong. Make sure you get a good job. Most importantly, be independent. Because someday when your husband is leaving you, you still have a job and enough money to support yourself. Be wise. Knowledge is important. But God is our priority. HE's our everything.

4. Where Is Your Favorite Place To Escape To?

Frankly, I don't have any particular to escape because as you know I'm a student which love to spend money on food not travel. Roughly, I would say here at Kuala Lumpur is my favorite place to escape. Since home is quite far from my university, dormitory is my second home. I would called it a perfect place to escape from all that. Here, I'm supposed to attend all classes and enjoying my student life. Back at home, my mother always rely on me since dad's gone. She felt like I'm the only child that she can trust and depend on. In front of her, I didn't allowed to be weak even if the truth is I am. She trained me to be more independent and reliable since I was a little girl. I have a great relationship with my mother. We're pretty much shared everything including clothes. I'm a great listener and do whatever she wanted me to do. But, like I said I wasn't allowed to look weak in front of her, I end up lying to her that everything back in University was great. Thank god I still have a sister that I can depend on.

What exactly that I wanted?

Lately, I felt like I wanted to quit study and go back to my hometown. I've been losing motivation to study. I like living here but not to study. I chose to have fun instead of studying like everyone else does. I feel like I don't belong here with this large community. As I struggled to force myself to go to class, I felt like I'm such an ungrateful person. So many people would like to replace my place here at University. God had gave me this opportunity to discover the world of language and linguistic but I didn't appreciate it. As if that is not my passion at all. Seems like I didn't recognize myself anymore. It's sad to feel that kind of way. I feel lost and keep wondering around the circle. I noticed myself didn't have any interest in study but I'm having a dilemma. I have set my life goals since I was in secondary school. I wanted to have at least degree in a good university, I wanted to make my family proud, Yet, now is going vise versa. I'm getting tired physically and mentally tired. My mind won't stop thinking about it. My doubt is growing each day of my life. I didn't pray often, I rarely read bible, I like to have my own life instead of let God manage my own life. I really didn't know what is the better idea. But deep down I still wanted to graduate this degree. I want to achieve it as my personal proud and pleasure. I wanted to be somebody in this large community. I wanted to have good job and most importantly I wanted to repay my mother that has been a great helper along this journey. But, the will to do it is there and I really needed someone to help me through it. I'm thankful enough that God always been on my side but at least there's a person that will cheer me up when I'm about to give up. I think I'm at my critical moment now. This solo journey has been though and nobody will always be there for you. I choose to be alone and refuse to face the reality. I tend to run from it. I'm just not prepared or strong enough. It may sounds like an excuse but that is how I feel. Be a student near of far from home still sucks. We are trying to balance all things in one such as financially, study, health, food mostly and many more. I'm used to live with my family. I know how is like to be an independent but this is too hard. Being an adult these days so hard. I'm not sure quit is the only way. I'm fucking messed up this semester. I wish I leap time and done it well from the beginning. What can I do to fix this? I mean this week is week 8 and I've been ditching all classes each week. The lecturer didn't even know my existence and I'm pretty sure they will get angry. I know I deserve to be scolded but still if only I can avoid all that and graduate safely and faster. Man, I really hate going to class now. It's like a burden to me. Be around with people and speak up about your opinion but inside I just hate being there because those people are stranger. I can't mixed up well with them. I felt like I'm the stupidest there. The slowest dumbest student ever. I'm having classes with the junior. There's so many things I need to catch up. I need space to breathe but instead I've been rushing all things and I know can't do it all that. I'm such a stupid and hopeless. Gosh, I'm so down. I wanted to bury myself so that people can't found me. God, what should I do then? I feel like I'm slowly giving up. SOS. I need help!

Unplanned trip~

So, me and my roommate did plan to go to Malacca but only for a day. It was on 3rd of April 2017. We felt so bored because we are now still having our mid semester break. Frankly, we really wanna do something YOLO. Then, suddenly we decided to go to Malacca only for a day. We woke up early during the day. We heading to KTM Midvalley and went to Bandar Tasik Selatan because it is near to Terminal Bersepadu Selatan. We took bus to Malacca. The price for the ticket was RM 10.00. Actually it is depends on which bus and what time you like to depart. Since we only planned for a day trip, we bought a 10.15 am ticket. We choose Metrobus because it was cheaper and faster. We spent about 2 and half hour on the road from Kuala Lumpur to Malacca central. As we arrived there, we were so excited and at the same time felt sleepy. We ate at the Indian restaurant since the price is affordable and delicious. After that, we decided to use Grabcar to go to Christ Church Malacca. It cost RM 8 and we arrived safe and sound. We managed to take picture and enjoy the surrounding since there was a busker and the weather was surprisingly hot. We did thirst our quench by having cendol mix. It only cost about RM 2.50. That cendol stall is near that church area. So we just cross the road and sat there waiting for our cendol to be done. After that, we went near to Hard Rock cafe. There's a lovely art painting on the wall and we took couple picture then end up sitting nowhere because walking during that kind of weather can easily make us tired. Without any hesitance, we decided to stay at a guest house. That place is cheap and really suitable for backpackers to stay. It was cozy and convenient for us because we haven't been to A Famosa. The worker also friendly and I honestly didn't expect from it to be that cozy. We stayed at room number 1006. It was upstairs and got shared bathroom. We also got free breakfast on the morning. We managed to check out from the guest house early because we wanted to go to A Famosa. After that, we went to Malacca central around 12 noon. We bought lunch and ticket to Kuala Lumpur. That unplanned trip surely will be remembered forever.

3. Where Is One Place Feel Most Like Yourself?

Of course my answer would be home. There's no other place like home. On 1996, we started to move from Taman Fajar to Taman Indah Jaya which my parents believed that was a good home for us. I was only 3 years old that trying to explore the house with my other siblings. We were so excited because the house was bigger and cozy. Unfortunately, we moved again last year. It was on December 2016. We moved at Taman Anggerik. Actually, the house were meant to be rent out but the house at Taman Indah Jaya is old and for almost 21 years living there was memorable. So, we decided to move in to this another bigger house. It's quite far that our old house. Honestly, we needed money so the house was sold to a couple that got married recently. They both had the same occupation as my mother. They are teachers. Sadly, this couple living apart for a while because they are not teaching at the same school. Different province too. But, I heard they will moving in to our old house on 2018. If God willing they said. I like the surrounding of our new home today. It was chill and quiet. Our neighbors both singles and a bit matured. Home is where I can be myself the most. Be ugly for a day and be lazy for the next day. Cook for everyone, eat with them, clean he house with them ( but mostly me all the time), during weekend my mother will cook a dish and go to town looking for something ( it depends if my mother wanted to go out or not because my brother need to go to work and my mother scared to drive the car.) I really pleased to live at our new house because I finally got a room to sleep, to do make up, a wardrobe and place to hangout and chill ( also watch k-drama, anime and movies without any distraction) I didn't watch any k-drama yet but soon maybe. Anime? I just watch randomly and current favorite is say ' I Love You'. Gosh! that anime really my style. Movies? Erm. Beauty and the beast is the latest thing I ever saw since this week. Oh. I almost forgot. I also watch Korean reality show such as The Return  Of Superman, I Live Alone, We Got Married, Law Of The Jungle and etc.

2. What's One Thing That's Happened To You In Your Life That Made You Feel Weak?

The day off my dad passed away. It was on 9 April 1999. Of course I wasn't understand why everyone is crying during that day. Why my dad is lying on a thing that has bed on it. Slowly I understand when I was 7 years old. He's gone forever. He'll never be my dad again. There's always a small good thing about it. I learned that people will not stay by your side forever. That's why I never cry if my boyfriend ever leave me because the most dearly man in my life left earlier than them. Still, that thing can be my weakness also my strength.

1. What's one thing that's happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

Growing up I always the one that easily get ill. I got asthma when I was about 4 or 5 years old. Thankfully, I recovered before reaching my teenage year. But, when I was 15 years old I've been diagnosed as an anemic. Till today, I still have review at the hospital. I almost giving up in life and wanted to suicide because I don't want to end up being a burden in my family. In other hand, through all the illness I slowly gather the strength that's been hiding in me. The old me has been vanished. The new me is stronger that I was last time. I can even go to the university that is far away from home thanks to God for that. HE's the one done all this for me. Praise the Lord!

50 Question To Ask a Girl If You Want To Know Who She Really Is

So, I decided to answer all the question but I'm not going to put all in this 1 page.


1. What's one thing that's happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

2. What's one thing that's happened to you in your life that you weak?

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?

6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

9. Who are your closest to in your family? Why?

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?

12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

13. If you could identify with one fictional character ( from a book, or movie ) who would it be?

14. Do you easily accept complements? Or do you hate compliments?

15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?

16. What is your favorite physical attribute about yourself?

17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?

18. Do you believe in love at first sight?

19. Do you believe in soul mates?

20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?

21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?

22. What makes you fall in love with someone?

23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?

24. What's one thing you're scared to ask a man, but really want to?

25. If you were a man for a day, what would be first thing you do?

26. What do you find most attractive about each sex?

27.  What's one thing you'd love to learn more about?

28. What is something you've never done that you've always wanted to do?

29. Why haven't you done it yet?

30. If money didn't matter, what would your dream job be?

31.If you had off from work today, what would you do?

32. What was the last thing that made you cry?

33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

34. What is your favorite memory?

35. What's the last thing REALLY embarrassed you?

36. What is your biggest fear?

37. Do you have any regrets? What's your biggest one?

38.  Have you ever broken a law? If you haven't what is one law you'd love to break?

39. What is the craziest thing you've ever done?

40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?

41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? ( Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public )

42. What's your favorite joke?

43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?

44. If you could be any animal, what animal would it be?

45. What's one show, movie, or book, you're embarrassed to admit you enjoy?

46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?

47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?

48. What's something you believe in that not everyone else does?

49. What's one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?

50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?







( I'm trying my best to answer it ASAP)

Feeling something. Something LIKE....

I spend my Friday and Saturday watching anime Hiiro No Kakera & Say ' I Love You'. It's a great story by the way. When I woke up this morning, it was around 9.30 am. I woke up pretty early I guess since I slept around 2 or 3 am last night. I've always count how many hours I sleep everyday. As I woke up, my another roommate went to short trip and while the other one still sleeping because she's been busy with her kompang team. Good luck for them! Well, I felt strange today. At first I don't know how to explain but seems like I'm thrilled over something. It's strange because I rarely feel that way. I know it is weekend and I can sleep without setting my alarm beforehand but this time is completely different. Slowly I'm asking myself, Am I in love again with him? I know it's been so many 'him' on my previous post and I'm gonna tell you a bit bout him. Okay. this 'him' is not a new guy. I known him for over 10 years roughly. I never talk much with him and I don't know why. He's my first crush when I was still at the primary school. He has everything that I wish for. I mean, every girl had their own standard or I must say their own version of prince charming when it comes to a guy. HAHA. Okay, so we almost never talk face to face. I somehow hate him and never wanted to see him but sometimes I did. Whatever! His family seems close to mine because we went to the same church. TMI. Yes, TMI. I know. I can't help spilling it out. My big sister really hate him and she called him loser. Me and my big sis always had our heart to heart talk whenever we got time or problems. She and my mother are the best listener and so do I. She said, " don't ever pick someone like him because someone like him will not appreciate you." Also she said, "didn't you saw what happened on his past relationship? always end up so badly." My sis always concern about me when it comes to relationship. Honestly, I've only had 1 ex boyfriend. 2013 till now I never go out with a guy because I just don't want to go through things from the top. It's so complicated. But, I just don't to expect something from him because he always disappoint me. He never had an interest to know me anyway. I always end up like this. Secretly hoping then it will never work out I really wish he will not bother me again. Please, my heart can't bear all the pain. I need break. I'm tired. I know it will always be the one sided love. Always and forever it will be. I'm not trying to be pathetic but it is the truth. I know accepting the truth can be harsh but it is the only way for us to grow stronger and wiser. Come on Gloria! you're 23 years old young adult and will be soon graduating. Just make you family proud. Don't ever let them down especially your mother. 

Enough~

As I turned 23 years old for the last couple days or should I say on the last Thursday. I found myself is changing. Not only my age is changing but also my thoughts and feelings. Y'all know how much I'm crazy about that one guy but surprisingly I can forget about him a little bit on each day. I used to care so much about him, stalk him on media social, get to know him more by going to his cafe, misses him so much, and many more. But now, it is not happening at all. Yes, I do care about him but that's it. I used to tell God how much I wanted that guy to be mine but now my desire to pray about it constantly gone. I persuade my heart to think about him again but I just couldn't. All of a sudden i felt lazy, no feelings, no desire, and wanted to forget him. This happens when I get to him last month an talked to him face to face. I can see the way he sees me and my tiny heart says it will never happen Gloria. Sorry, forget about him. He's just another Mr. Left. For the past few years, I think it is enough. Get over it Gloria. I used to convince myself that I couldn't make it but look now my heart is tired and I wanted a freedom. Almost is enough for me. Goodbye J! Have a blessed life ahead!

I Don't Believe In Dreams Anymore~

Since I reached 20's something, I always dream about weird things and I dream a lot. Each time, before sleep I always pray that I don't want to have any dreams anymore but it didn't go away. I simply just dream about people that come and gone in my life, babies, snakes and more. Some people said that our dream is our imagination. How you wanted things to happen and how you imagine it will be. It is like directing a movie on your own. It's your story and you will be the main actor or actress. Each day,  I dream about different things. Last night, I dream about someone that I used to adore. He's wearing white T's and refuse to talk to me. he just walked and turned out to be he's searching for his elder sister and then they talked. I wasn't sure about it but he seems asking about something to his sister. In that situation, it is clear but somehow it is blur. I couldn't saw his face but I knew it was him. I chased him because he did something bad to me and I wanted to ask him for that matter. But he just lay his hand and as if he asked me to wait because at the moment he's talking to his sister about something and oddly it was at the LRT station. I never dream about him anymore but last night was odd and I really hate it. I just don't like him for some reason. I used to believe in dreams but now I don't because expectation can lead to frustration. Frankly, I was clear about it. He never likes me anyway. I was the one that had feelings for him not vice versa. I was stupid enough to think such a delusional thought during teen days. I was embarrassed over my past action and immature girl who's thinking that any guys is okay to be her crush. Argh! I'm so pissed over my past self but little did I know, there's a lesson behind all that silly things. I couldn't be myself today I wasn't so dumb back then. What I wanted to say is each of my foolish action had thought me to be more careful, wiser, stronger and  more tolerate. I'm enjoying my sleep but I hate it when I'm having dreams that can ruin my whole day. 

23.

Today is a special day for me because it is my birthday. I turned 23 years old this year. I thank God for HIS love and mercy for giving me such a wonderful life. Even though so much thing has been going on but I choose to stay strong because God is with me. A challenging 23 years old life where I need to learn a lot of things, decided what's good for me, and more. As I grow one year older every 9 March, there's a lot of stuff that need to be done, search, gain, follow and etc. Frankly, being 23 is awkward. I mean I really miss being 19 where there's nothing that bother me. Always stay around my family, eat at home, be with my friends but now I'm at the opposite situation . I'm so far away from my family, eat on my own, making new friends and so many thing that bother me. Anyway, I'm just hoping that I can graduate on time, be a better and responsible person, be beautiful inside and out, be more encouraging towards my family, friends and myself of course, be closer to God, be more motivated, be more friendly and many more.



p/s : having boyfriend too.

My Valentine 2017

Well, some people can be misunderstanding about this so called Valentine day. Then, let's begin. Valentine day is on 14 February. Basically, Valentine day is a day you're going to have date or have some quality time with your loved ones. It doesn't matter if you are celebrating it with family and friends or perhaps with your partner or you didn't have to celebrate it because it is not that important. V day is just an international celebration. So, as you know I'm single and broke just like the FB said it. I burst out laughing when I saw it. I laughed because it is the truth. Okay, so my story begin like this. On 13 Feb, I went to his coffee shop. But the 3 days earlier, I did asked my brother to take me there. I was being curious. I just wanted to see how's he doing and how's the coffee shop look like. The night I know that my brother finally decided to go there with me. But only both of us know about it. He knows how much I adore that guy or let me be more specific the guy is the owner of that coffee shop. The moment I stepped on his cafe, I just saw 2 of his workers which I knew them because they are my church member. After ordering some foods and drinks, we waited about couple of minute then the order came and he suddenly appeared. I was sitting backwards from the door. So I didn't manage to saw him coming in. My heart beating fast and all the butterfly were spreading on my stomach. My eye pupil my getting bigger, I can't stop smiling. I can't show how happy I was when I met him after 1 year. Gosh! I swear he's getting handsome and cute. I really glad that I finally went there. He was being himself that night. He's so friendly, nice and warm. Argh! I started to miss him already. At first, he was avoiding the eye contact. But the second time, he keep staring at me with his sleepy eyes. Gosh. He was so cute. HAHA. okay Gloria. Calm down. The keep making me talk more and more. He did remembers my major at University. He even asked how many years left. I am good at making poker face but inside me was screaming like hell. I'm glad how things turned out last V day even though it's not on 14 February but it's the day before it. I think I got a better Valentine day this year. 2017 might be a good year for me. Amen!

Anxiety, trust issue and God

There's a saying 'People are more scarier than the world'. I just started to believe it today. I always telling myself that the world is terrifying without God but turned out to be people who had their own religion or belief can be horrifying too. It's not like I would like to blame their religion or belief but I'm just saying that because in this big world people had their own god. My anxiety level soaring up and my heart beating like crazy. Hoping that God could save me from bad things. You know what, God did save me from bad things today and HE did gave me something to learn today. It's okay to have trust issue as long as you are safer on that way. I swear, after this I will never dealing things on my own with stranger, ride their car, believe what they are saying or whatever it is. I called this JERA. I just want to blow up. I mean my feelings. How insecure I felt, How lazy I was, How I hate going to classes because I can't be any better while other people is moving forward. I just need to do some healing. I need motivation booster, I need to feel good about myself all the time, I need to be brave to handle things on my own and I need to be stronger for myself. Did you notice that I keep repeating the the word 'I need'? that just because I wanted to be stronger enough. I have to remind myself that the stronger I become, the better I'll be on my own. Sigh~ People indeed are scarier that the world because people made it scarier. World is just a temporary place to live and people like to do bad things. Every second, every minute there's always a crime, people died, newborn and so on. I thank God for HIS love and mercy towards people. Again, I'll say the world is nothing without God. Our Jesus, Our Savior. 

A Letter For That Dear Someone

Dear Someone That I Haven't Seen For 1 Year,

           

              Hi, I just don't want to mention your name here because I know it's kinda appropriate. I just want to say hi and asking how's your 2016. I knew you had a busy day ahead because you just opened a cafe last year. I'm sorry that I couldn't come to your cafe yet because I think I didn't want to embarrassed myself. I bet you didn't even remember me. Well, it's okay because we didn't see each other that often. The other day, on our way back to home, I saw a moon and a star. Their distance was not that far but they never be together because it is impossible. Just like me and you. you're the moon while I'm the star. No matter how close we were, still we never bumped into each other.. How I wish these feelings can go away too. I misses you so much and I only met you in my dreams. Last time, I dreamed about how close we were and I just wanted to hug you and tell you how much I missed you. Slowly, I realized that was just an imagination. That situation maybe the way I wanted us to be like but that warmth feeling that you gave me doesn't seem a fake sign. Frankly, I never felt that way whenever I met someone. The reason I keep holding on is I believe that someday we could make it, I told Him about you. I told Him that I wanted you. Just you and no one else. He keep asking me to wait patiently. At first I thought I could do it but year by year, I getting impatient. I keep bottled up feelings. Sometimes, I even asked Him. Why is it too hard? Why is it took too long?He told me that good things come slow and it's a worth to wait. As a person, ordinary person, it really sounds ridiculous if a relationship can be done without any communication. But, we know that in Him, there's nothing impossible. I apologize if this letter is too long. I'm hoping you are doing great this new year 2017. I really looking forward to meet you someday. Take care love! I'll always wait for you no matter how long it takes. xoxo

Sincerely, 

A Girl that misses you so much.